Koi no Yokan (7/8)
Feb. 10th, 2014 01:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wendyjolyTitle : Koi no Yokan
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Guess who~
Rating : NC-17
Lenght : Chaptered
Beta : Hug and cuddle to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chibipinkpetals
Genre : Smut, love and music
Disclaimer : I owe nothing but Arashi owns surely my soul
Summary : Koi no Yokan is one of this japanese expression with no english translation. It's the sense one can have upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love. It differs from love at first sight as it does not imply that the feeling of love exists, only the knowledge that a future love is inevitable. A kind of love premonition!
Chapter 7
The New-York effect is magical.
I discover a new world and that’s precisely what I needed right now. Toma travelled a lot and we stay in a hotel he uses to go. The Vanity Fair photo shoot’s theme is “A stranger in New York” and thanks to that, we visit all the famous place of the Big Apple.
By day, we work and the night we hang about at the hotel or in nightclubs. The time flies by and I’m taken up by work. He drags me to bars where the scene is opened to rap crews and it’s a real revelation. Those guys climbing on stage are fearless, they give their flow in a total improvisation and whatever could be the audience reaction, they play their hearts out. They are convinced that what they have to tell is worth for it to be heard. I never dared to think that what I had to tell needed to be heard, that it could change someone else’s life, that it could change mine.
Right now, my life doesn’t need to change, it needs a whole revolution. I had let myself go, I gave my life to a man, and I crashed so hard that now my life looks like a minefield. I don’t know where I can walk anymore. There’s only Toma whom I can turn to so that I am able to figure out what I need to do, it’s puzzling. And what’s more puzzling since I landed at his place. He didn’t try anything with me, yet I can tell that he knows that there is something happened between me and Kazunari, but he doesn’t seem to see an occasion to try his luck. I don’t even know if I would reject him, yet despite all that, I know that if I were to react to him, to do anything with him, it will only cause him and me hurt.
Bah, I don’t give a shit, anyway I crossed out from my vocabulary the words “making love”, bullshit. We fuck, we are fucked, that’s all. And tonight in this bar, I plan to get back on track. Toma is working in his bedroom and I decided to move forward by accepting the invitation of the American model I worked with today. I’m fed up with this sadness. I’m gonna find a guy, have a good time and definitely forget him – to erase him from my mind and heart. Be it with him or another man, it will be the same.
I know that he wants me, this American model, by the way he roves his eyes over me, his head resting on the palm of his hand as he rest his elbow on the counter. I, in return, am only able to do the same, to take in his whole stature, his personality and his scent. He's really attractive and a little bit too muscular, but he's too different, so not like him and I can't help but cringe on the inside how much I craved for him. I don't care, I think and grin at him, I don’t have a clue what he’s talking about, but I don’t need to for what we have to do.
I go to the toilet and unsurprisingly he follows me. He’s neither patient, nor subtle and he drags me in the first closet on our way. He kisses me eagerly, his hands all over me and I close my eyes. He smells of whiskey and cigarettes, plus a perfume I ignore, he holds me tight and I try to focus on him – and I can't.
What we’re doing is inappropriate to me, out of place and idiotic. I feel an awkward laugh rising from the back of my throat but soon I realize that it’s actually a sob instead. I can’t. Not after the moment I lived in the arms of the man I love. Even if I was wrong and he didn’t love me,.
I love him from the bottom of my heart, to the extent that now, in this closet with this unknown guy, I figure out that I will never be able to get my heart back. I gave it to him and despite all my efforts I’ll never be able to find a way to retrieve it without it being stuck in a cold and lonely place.
I push him away and hurry my way back to the hotel, knocking madly at Toma's door.
His hair looks tousled and his eyes tired through his glasses. He stares at me almost knowingly before he steps to the side and allows me to go in.
“I ran away. He sleeps with this guy, his father’s best friend since years and I saw them. They had sex in our apartment, they never stopped to sleep together since the beginning. He never loved me, I was not good enough for him to love me and…”
He stares at me with sadness and compassion and it kills me a little bit more admitting the truth.
“I wanted to sleep with a guy tonight, I thought I could, that I would be able to forget him, but I can’t…I’ll never be able to erase him from my heart…I will never love anybody else…”
In one step he’s against me and takes me in his embrace, holding me tight and finally the dam breaks loose and my tears just damp my face, drip down my cheeks and chin, soaking his shirt. I can't even hold myself up that I drag him with me to the floor and he allows me to lean more against him, chocking on my sobs. He waits patiently, running his hand through my hair soothingly as the other one runs over my back and rest at my shoulder blade.
I am not sure how long I cried, but I notice that I am on the bed, my eyes heavy and hurting, my throat feels raw and my chest hurts even more. I look up and notice Toma sitting next to me, his hand running over my fringe and a sad smile adorning his lips.
“You will love again, Sho. Ninomiya is not the last man you will love.”
I know he’s wrong but that’s exactly what I need to hear at this very moment. Just like he believes in me while I never believed in myself. In the end, I feels so heavy, so tired that I fall asleep deeply for the first time since days.
When I am startled awake, Toma is close to me. He is gripping my hand tightly, his lips against the back of my hand. He's sound asleep, and for the first time I notice how tired he was, the bags under his eyes, his pale complexion and tousled hair. However, I don't pull away and instead, I stare at him a little more, grateful for his support, despite me not being able to return his feelings. Grateful for that, I feel myself at ease and instead, I begin to get sleepy once more.
-
I have the feeling of finally being awake this time. That I have finally opened my eyes to life. I finally get out from my lethargic state and I realize with lucidity that nothing will ever be the same. That I should mourn the boy who was a half part of our couple, I should become another man. Perhaps the man I want to be. That’s what Toma whisper to me as we’re in the New-York subway, pushed by the crowd.
“I guess you never dreamt to be a host when you were a kid?”
“I never dreamt of being a model either.”
“So what was your dream?”
“I wanted to share music with people. Like my father.”
“So go on, what’s the problem?”
“Hm…talent?”
“You don’t have the talent for stage, perfect, it’s certainly not your place. But there’s tons of way to share your music.”
“Like what?!”
“I don’t know, it’s your dream, not mine!”
He’s so fucking confident…and I’m totally convinced that it’s not for sleeping with me. If it was his goal, he could have fucked me the first night I spend with him. I haven’t refused. But he didn’t try anything else than be there for me and the following days too. I barge into his bedroom selfishly. I slept so well that I can’t be alone anymore. As a matter of fact, when we got back to Tokyo, I became his roommate.
I finally decide to call J to get my stuff back, it should be packed now.
“Mochi mochi?”
He’s got his dominating tone, ready to cut his interlocutor if he annoys him.
“It’s Sakurai.”
“Sho-kun!! I try to reach you every day since weeks, did you change your number?”
“Hm.”
“I have to meet you.”
“Precisely. I wanted to know if you could bring me my stuffs?”
“Your stuffs?”
“I guess you packed it in boxes, bags perhaps, I don’t know…”
“I don’t understand. Your things are still where you left them. When did you come back?”
What the heck, I think annoyed. What was he talking about.
“I live at Toma Ikuta’s place now.”
“What?! What are you…Are you there right now?”
“Yeah.”
“Wait for me.”
He has already hung up before I can even say anything else. I am unable to understand what just happened. He was acting as if he didn't know what has been happening the entire time.
I’m all alone when he knocks at the door, Toma, he’s at the studio and I invite him to follow me into the living room. It’s strange to see him here, I have the feeling that he was a part of another life, the part when I was an idiot he could fool easily. I don’t understand his panic, it’s not like him. I prepare a tea to give me some time to pull myself together. When I sit face to him, he took off his coat and untie his tie.
“You don’t really know?”
“Know what?”
“Where did he tell you I was?”
“He told me you were out of town for work, that he didn’t know when you’ll come back.”
“And the fact that he’s fucked by Kimura, do you know it?”
I’m harsh but I’m fed up with the idea that they think of me as an idiot. Of course, he knew what happened, perhaps it was him who arranged the date? He seems startled, embarrassed and sad. I thin my lips and don't want the thoughts of being cheated on in my head.
“Yes.”
“At least, you’re honest now.”
“It’s complicated, Sho-kun.”
“It is, certainly, because you really put all your efforts in making a fool out of me.”
“We didn’t make fun of you.”
“Why did you tell me you were happy that we were together?”
“It’s the truth. He’s happy and sincere with you.”
“Beside the fact that he had another guy.”
“Listen…it could sound insane but he’s not in love with the other.”
I smirk when I understand that he can’t say the name of that bastard.
“He slid into his bed when Kazunari was his student and his best friend’s son. Do you think he can get out of this so easily after so much years?”
“Whatever. He lied to me, he played a game so don’t try to make me look like the bad guy of the story.”
“You are not the bad guy you nor is he! I don’t understand you. You said you love him and yet at the first hurdle you dump him?”
“The first…? Are you a moron?”
“No, I’m not a moron but this guy is like a disease, he can’t get rid of it alone, you have to help him.”
“I can’t J. Not after what he did to me.”
“But he’s a victim more than you are! You can't even imagine what he has been through in his life, the courage he needed to fall in love with you. He didn’t tell me about what’s happened between the both of you, he didn’t remove nor throw any of your belongings. Don’t you think he’s waiting for your come-back?”
“How could I know, I didn’t talk to him since my return.”
He throws me one of this “that much is obvious” look and I scowl. He pisses me off. I’m angry, I want for him to leave me alone, because even if I try to understand it, I can’t act as if nothing happened.
“I would like to J, really - to be a guy magnanimous and comprehensive, able to forgive, but I’m not. Whatever the reason could be, he lied to me, made a fool of me and was fucked by another one while I left everything for him.”
“So that’s it?”
“That’s what?”
“An out-of-place egotism. He scratched your pride?”
“He cheated on me, fuck!”
“He’s 30 years old, did you believe he never lived before you? Is it your way to love someone? When everything’s fine, you’re there but when there are difficult times, you run away? You know what…” He stands up and puts on his coat,.
“I’m sorry. For him, not for you. He trusted you deeply. And he was wrong. If you want your stuffs you have to take it by yourself, I will not help you.”
I’m astonished by the way he goes out. How did he managed to take advantage of the situation, I don’t know but I’m angry like I never was in my life. I go out at my turn to catch him and tell him what I think about him but his car is already far away. When Toma comes home I’m still mumbling and I take my revenge on a pack of carrots which did nothing to be my victims.
“Something came up?”
“I called J.”
“Oh…”
“He came, without my belongings and he alluded I was the guilty one because I dumped him when he needed me! Do you believe it? As if I asked to play the deceived husband!”
“Wait…” He takes the knife from my hand and turns me to face him, cupping my face.
“Say it once again, slowly?”
“His lover…J told that he wasn’t in love with him but he couldn’t get rid of him because basically he slept with him since too many years.”
“I get it.”
“You…? No kidding?!”
“If Kazunari met him when he was a kid, the other took advantage of him. Even if he didn’t take him as lover when he was a teenager, he had an influence on him.”
“He should have told me.”
“Now you know.”
“Whose side are you on?!”
“Yours, only yours. And it kills me to say this, but you’re crazy about him. And…what would make you happy today is to be with him again. Even if I would prefer to tell you that your happiness is with me.”
I finally raise my gaze on him and I know what is in his mind. I would like to be to give him a chance. It would be so much simpler. He’s handsome, gentle, sincere, he trusts me and he cares about me and – I’m not in love with him. And I want to move on, I’m fed up with missing Kazunari.
I lean to him and kiss him. He tries to step away but I catch his lips in time and he responds back. I slide my hands under his T-shirt and I toss it on the floor as he laughs. I do the same with mine and I grab his hips to drag him to me. I unbuckle his belt and mine without really thinking about it, I’m just dying to do it. I want that this man I trust give me back what I lost – I want to feel love, I want him to show me that he loves me because he sees only beautiful things in me. I grab his hand and put it in my pants as I kiss his neck. He moans loudly into my ear but his hand stay still. I stare at him but he’s looking at the floor.
“Toma?”
“I…I can’t.”
“Don’t you want me?”
“I more than want you. I love you.”
He steps back and my tension fall suddenly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you’re sorry. But I don’t have the guts to fall deeper. We make love and then? You’ll be miserable because you have been unfaithful to him and I will be miserable because you can only think about him.”
“We broke up.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that you love him…so if one day you’re ready to commit yourself with me, if you think you’re in love with me, I’ll be there.”
He smiles to me, pecks my lips and pick up his T-shirt on the floor.
“But quickly…I’m a very demanded man.”
I stare at him as he walks out of the room and leaves me to catch my breath.
-
I postpone the moment I’ll face Kazunari again as much as I can. I seriously think to leave him my clothes and my things. It would be easier, but if I do that I have the illusion that we’re only pausing not separate. Yet I want to move on, fall quickly for Toma to find a peaceful life again. I’m exhausted to look at the days passing by as a fight against the sadness and the pain of his absence.
I struggle, I try to be busy, I’m perfectly aware that I am just going on in circles. The problem is elsewhere and finally I decided to face him. I smile to Ogura who looks at me puzzled as I walk by and take the elevator. I feel as if it’s the first time I've met him. I don’t like this sensation, my heart beating fast in my chest, my trembling legs. J opens the door, of course and he has the politeness to be surprised.
“Nino, someone's here for you.” He opens the door wide and surprises me by getting out to leave me alone with him. I stoop to caress Gershwin and I raise my gaze when he comes to me.
“S…Sho?”
He’s a lot slimmer and tired. My heart, that I thought frozen, trembles a little more. I blame myself because I didn’t call him those past weeks, I’m afraid of how much my heart thumps knowing that I just really missed him. Then I remember that he’s not alone. He has a man in his life and it’s not me.
“I came to take my stuff. J didn’t seem to know we broke up.”
He smirks painfully and I feel the mad urge to take him in my arms to comfort him. But after what? We get back together and we share him; Kimura and I? Some days by week? Or should I renounce to the days when he’s not on Tour?
“Please, make yourself home.”
Not so long ago, I was at home and I know he thinks like me even if I can only see his back now.
“I’ll do quick, I don’t have a lot of things.”
He lights a cigarette and his hands are trembling, I can barely see some scabs on his hands. I stop to observe him and I freak out, literally, viscerally. His eyes are red and puffed, there are no partitions on the piano and it never happened. Not a day passed when he doesn’t play piano.
“Kazunari?”
“Hm?”
“How are you?”
“I’m…totally fine.”
He murmurs, I can barely hear him, I answer the same way with a bittersweet smile.
“Stop lying, you’re scary.”
“I don’t sleep very well nowadays…I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
He smiles suddenly and he walks to me.
“So come back to me.”
“I can’t.”
“It’s true, Jun-kun told me.”
“What?”
“That you live with Toma now.”
He thinks I’m with Toma?!
“But we could be friends, go out together from time to time? It could be enough.”
Oh fuck, yes. Be by his side now put me in a strange state of mind, on the verge of explosion. And even if I resist touching him, I’m crazy about him, more than before, certainly the missing him. He waits for an answer and I’m afraid I can’t control my voice, that he discovers how I still want him.
“Go out?”
“Take a drink maybe. Listen to a concert? If…it doesn’t bother Ikuta.”
It hurts that he thinks that I replaced him so quickly and it’s a bitter revenge and sneaky. It’s so far from us and I love him too much to see him suffer. Despite my pain, I want only his good.
“I know I lost you and I’ll do my best to not embarrass you, I swear.”
“It’s not a good idea.”
“I need some time to lose you. It’s idiotic and selfish but I need you to be by my side, a little bit. To get used to being alone.”
“Okay.”
“When?”
I smile to his enthusiasm.
“I don’t know Kazunari. I work a lot currently.”
“I’ll wait for you.”
I know the hidden words behind this sentence, I know him so well. But I don’t understand his behavior. He’s suffering because we broke up, it’s obvious, but I don’t get what he wants from me. A ménage-a-trois? Bullshit.
I take some bags and I don’t take my eyes off him. My hands are trembling too but it’s because I want to touch him, caress him, to finally quench my thirst. I see his lost gaze, I see Gershwin against him, look for his caress to comfort him and I hate myself for this. In my head I hear J who’s telling me how I’m a pitiful lover and I can only agree with him.
Go to chapter1/ 2 /3/4/5
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Guess who~
Rating : NC-17
Lenght : Chaptered
Beta : Hug and cuddle to
chibipinkpetalsGenre : Smut, love and music
Disclaimer : I owe nothing but Arashi owns surely my soul
Summary : Koi no Yokan is one of this japanese expression with no english translation. It's the sense one can have upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love. It differs from love at first sight as it does not imply that the feeling of love exists, only the knowledge that a future love is inevitable. A kind of love premonition!
Chapter 7
The New-York effect is magical.
I discover a new world and that’s precisely what I needed right now. Toma travelled a lot and we stay in a hotel he uses to go. The Vanity Fair photo shoot’s theme is “A stranger in New York” and thanks to that, we visit all the famous place of the Big Apple.
By day, we work and the night we hang about at the hotel or in nightclubs. The time flies by and I’m taken up by work. He drags me to bars where the scene is opened to rap crews and it’s a real revelation. Those guys climbing on stage are fearless, they give their flow in a total improvisation and whatever could be the audience reaction, they play their hearts out. They are convinced that what they have to tell is worth for it to be heard. I never dared to think that what I had to tell needed to be heard, that it could change someone else’s life, that it could change mine.
Right now, my life doesn’t need to change, it needs a whole revolution. I had let myself go, I gave my life to a man, and I crashed so hard that now my life looks like a minefield. I don’t know where I can walk anymore. There’s only Toma whom I can turn to so that I am able to figure out what I need to do, it’s puzzling. And what’s more puzzling since I landed at his place. He didn’t try anything with me, yet I can tell that he knows that there is something happened between me and Kazunari, but he doesn’t seem to see an occasion to try his luck. I don’t even know if I would reject him, yet despite all that, I know that if I were to react to him, to do anything with him, it will only cause him and me hurt.
Bah, I don’t give a shit, anyway I crossed out from my vocabulary the words “making love”, bullshit. We fuck, we are fucked, that’s all. And tonight in this bar, I plan to get back on track. Toma is working in his bedroom and I decided to move forward by accepting the invitation of the American model I worked with today. I’m fed up with this sadness. I’m gonna find a guy, have a good time and definitely forget him – to erase him from my mind and heart. Be it with him or another man, it will be the same.
I know that he wants me, this American model, by the way he roves his eyes over me, his head resting on the palm of his hand as he rest his elbow on the counter. I, in return, am only able to do the same, to take in his whole stature, his personality and his scent. He's really attractive and a little bit too muscular, but he's too different, so not like him and I can't help but cringe on the inside how much I craved for him. I don't care, I think and grin at him, I don’t have a clue what he’s talking about, but I don’t need to for what we have to do.
I go to the toilet and unsurprisingly he follows me. He’s neither patient, nor subtle and he drags me in the first closet on our way. He kisses me eagerly, his hands all over me and I close my eyes. He smells of whiskey and cigarettes, plus a perfume I ignore, he holds me tight and I try to focus on him – and I can't.
What we’re doing is inappropriate to me, out of place and idiotic. I feel an awkward laugh rising from the back of my throat but soon I realize that it’s actually a sob instead. I can’t. Not after the moment I lived in the arms of the man I love. Even if I was wrong and he didn’t love me,.
I love him from the bottom of my heart, to the extent that now, in this closet with this unknown guy, I figure out that I will never be able to get my heart back. I gave it to him and despite all my efforts I’ll never be able to find a way to retrieve it without it being stuck in a cold and lonely place.
I push him away and hurry my way back to the hotel, knocking madly at Toma's door.
His hair looks tousled and his eyes tired through his glasses. He stares at me almost knowingly before he steps to the side and allows me to go in.
“I ran away. He sleeps with this guy, his father’s best friend since years and I saw them. They had sex in our apartment, they never stopped to sleep together since the beginning. He never loved me, I was not good enough for him to love me and…”
He stares at me with sadness and compassion and it kills me a little bit more admitting the truth.
“I wanted to sleep with a guy tonight, I thought I could, that I would be able to forget him, but I can’t…I’ll never be able to erase him from my heart…I will never love anybody else…”
In one step he’s against me and takes me in his embrace, holding me tight and finally the dam breaks loose and my tears just damp my face, drip down my cheeks and chin, soaking his shirt. I can't even hold myself up that I drag him with me to the floor and he allows me to lean more against him, chocking on my sobs. He waits patiently, running his hand through my hair soothingly as the other one runs over my back and rest at my shoulder blade.
I am not sure how long I cried, but I notice that I am on the bed, my eyes heavy and hurting, my throat feels raw and my chest hurts even more. I look up and notice Toma sitting next to me, his hand running over my fringe and a sad smile adorning his lips.
“You will love again, Sho. Ninomiya is not the last man you will love.”
I know he’s wrong but that’s exactly what I need to hear at this very moment. Just like he believes in me while I never believed in myself. In the end, I feels so heavy, so tired that I fall asleep deeply for the first time since days.
When I am startled awake, Toma is close to me. He is gripping my hand tightly, his lips against the back of my hand. He's sound asleep, and for the first time I notice how tired he was, the bags under his eyes, his pale complexion and tousled hair. However, I don't pull away and instead, I stare at him a little more, grateful for his support, despite me not being able to return his feelings. Grateful for that, I feel myself at ease and instead, I begin to get sleepy once more.
-
I have the feeling of finally being awake this time. That I have finally opened my eyes to life. I finally get out from my lethargic state and I realize with lucidity that nothing will ever be the same. That I should mourn the boy who was a half part of our couple, I should become another man. Perhaps the man I want to be. That’s what Toma whisper to me as we’re in the New-York subway, pushed by the crowd.
“I guess you never dreamt to be a host when you were a kid?”
“I never dreamt of being a model either.”
“So what was your dream?”
“I wanted to share music with people. Like my father.”
“So go on, what’s the problem?”
“Hm…talent?”
“You don’t have the talent for stage, perfect, it’s certainly not your place. But there’s tons of way to share your music.”
“Like what?!”
“I don’t know, it’s your dream, not mine!”
He’s so fucking confident…and I’m totally convinced that it’s not for sleeping with me. If it was his goal, he could have fucked me the first night I spend with him. I haven’t refused. But he didn’t try anything else than be there for me and the following days too. I barge into his bedroom selfishly. I slept so well that I can’t be alone anymore. As a matter of fact, when we got back to Tokyo, I became his roommate.
I finally decide to call J to get my stuff back, it should be packed now.
“Mochi mochi?”
He’s got his dominating tone, ready to cut his interlocutor if he annoys him.
“It’s Sakurai.”
“Sho-kun!! I try to reach you every day since weeks, did you change your number?”
“Hm.”
“I have to meet you.”
“Precisely. I wanted to know if you could bring me my stuffs?”
“Your stuffs?”
“I guess you packed it in boxes, bags perhaps, I don’t know…”
“I don’t understand. Your things are still where you left them. When did you come back?”
What the heck, I think annoyed. What was he talking about.
“I live at Toma Ikuta’s place now.”
“What?! What are you…Are you there right now?”
“Yeah.”
“Wait for me.”
He has already hung up before I can even say anything else. I am unable to understand what just happened. He was acting as if he didn't know what has been happening the entire time.
I’m all alone when he knocks at the door, Toma, he’s at the studio and I invite him to follow me into the living room. It’s strange to see him here, I have the feeling that he was a part of another life, the part when I was an idiot he could fool easily. I don’t understand his panic, it’s not like him. I prepare a tea to give me some time to pull myself together. When I sit face to him, he took off his coat and untie his tie.
“You don’t really know?”
“Know what?”
“Where did he tell you I was?”
“He told me you were out of town for work, that he didn’t know when you’ll come back.”
“And the fact that he’s fucked by Kimura, do you know it?”
I’m harsh but I’m fed up with the idea that they think of me as an idiot. Of course, he knew what happened, perhaps it was him who arranged the date? He seems startled, embarrassed and sad. I thin my lips and don't want the thoughts of being cheated on in my head.
“Yes.”
“At least, you’re honest now.”
“It’s complicated, Sho-kun.”
“It is, certainly, because you really put all your efforts in making a fool out of me.”
“We didn’t make fun of you.”
“Why did you tell me you were happy that we were together?”
“It’s the truth. He’s happy and sincere with you.”
“Beside the fact that he had another guy.”
“Listen…it could sound insane but he’s not in love with the other.”
I smirk when I understand that he can’t say the name of that bastard.
“He slid into his bed when Kazunari was his student and his best friend’s son. Do you think he can get out of this so easily after so much years?”
“Whatever. He lied to me, he played a game so don’t try to make me look like the bad guy of the story.”
“You are not the bad guy you nor is he! I don’t understand you. You said you love him and yet at the first hurdle you dump him?”
“The first…? Are you a moron?”
“No, I’m not a moron but this guy is like a disease, he can’t get rid of it alone, you have to help him.”
“I can’t J. Not after what he did to me.”
“But he’s a victim more than you are! You can't even imagine what he has been through in his life, the courage he needed to fall in love with you. He didn’t tell me about what’s happened between the both of you, he didn’t remove nor throw any of your belongings. Don’t you think he’s waiting for your come-back?”
“How could I know, I didn’t talk to him since my return.”
He throws me one of this “that much is obvious” look and I scowl. He pisses me off. I’m angry, I want for him to leave me alone, because even if I try to understand it, I can’t act as if nothing happened.
“I would like to J, really - to be a guy magnanimous and comprehensive, able to forgive, but I’m not. Whatever the reason could be, he lied to me, made a fool of me and was fucked by another one while I left everything for him.”
“So that’s it?”
“That’s what?”
“An out-of-place egotism. He scratched your pride?”
“He cheated on me, fuck!”
“He’s 30 years old, did you believe he never lived before you? Is it your way to love someone? When everything’s fine, you’re there but when there are difficult times, you run away? You know what…” He stands up and puts on his coat,.
“I’m sorry. For him, not for you. He trusted you deeply. And he was wrong. If you want your stuffs you have to take it by yourself, I will not help you.”
I’m astonished by the way he goes out. How did he managed to take advantage of the situation, I don’t know but I’m angry like I never was in my life. I go out at my turn to catch him and tell him what I think about him but his car is already far away. When Toma comes home I’m still mumbling and I take my revenge on a pack of carrots which did nothing to be my victims.
“Something came up?”
“I called J.”
“Oh…”
“He came, without my belongings and he alluded I was the guilty one because I dumped him when he needed me! Do you believe it? As if I asked to play the deceived husband!”
“Wait…” He takes the knife from my hand and turns me to face him, cupping my face.
“Say it once again, slowly?”
“His lover…J told that he wasn’t in love with him but he couldn’t get rid of him because basically he slept with him since too many years.”
“I get it.”
“You…? No kidding?!”
“If Kazunari met him when he was a kid, the other took advantage of him. Even if he didn’t take him as lover when he was a teenager, he had an influence on him.”
“He should have told me.”
“Now you know.”
“Whose side are you on?!”
“Yours, only yours. And it kills me to say this, but you’re crazy about him. And…what would make you happy today is to be with him again. Even if I would prefer to tell you that your happiness is with me.”
I finally raise my gaze on him and I know what is in his mind. I would like to be to give him a chance. It would be so much simpler. He’s handsome, gentle, sincere, he trusts me and he cares about me and – I’m not in love with him. And I want to move on, I’m fed up with missing Kazunari.
I lean to him and kiss him. He tries to step away but I catch his lips in time and he responds back. I slide my hands under his T-shirt and I toss it on the floor as he laughs. I do the same with mine and I grab his hips to drag him to me. I unbuckle his belt and mine without really thinking about it, I’m just dying to do it. I want that this man I trust give me back what I lost – I want to feel love, I want him to show me that he loves me because he sees only beautiful things in me. I grab his hand and put it in my pants as I kiss his neck. He moans loudly into my ear but his hand stay still. I stare at him but he’s looking at the floor.
“Toma?”
“I…I can’t.”
“Don’t you want me?”
“I more than want you. I love you.”
He steps back and my tension fall suddenly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you’re sorry. But I don’t have the guts to fall deeper. We make love and then? You’ll be miserable because you have been unfaithful to him and I will be miserable because you can only think about him.”
“We broke up.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that you love him…so if one day you’re ready to commit yourself with me, if you think you’re in love with me, I’ll be there.”
He smiles to me, pecks my lips and pick up his T-shirt on the floor.
“But quickly…I’m a very demanded man.”
I stare at him as he walks out of the room and leaves me to catch my breath.
-
I postpone the moment I’ll face Kazunari again as much as I can. I seriously think to leave him my clothes and my things. It would be easier, but if I do that I have the illusion that we’re only pausing not separate. Yet I want to move on, fall quickly for Toma to find a peaceful life again. I’m exhausted to look at the days passing by as a fight against the sadness and the pain of his absence.
I struggle, I try to be busy, I’m perfectly aware that I am just going on in circles. The problem is elsewhere and finally I decided to face him. I smile to Ogura who looks at me puzzled as I walk by and take the elevator. I feel as if it’s the first time I've met him. I don’t like this sensation, my heart beating fast in my chest, my trembling legs. J opens the door, of course and he has the politeness to be surprised.
“Nino, someone's here for you.” He opens the door wide and surprises me by getting out to leave me alone with him. I stoop to caress Gershwin and I raise my gaze when he comes to me.
“S…Sho?”
He’s a lot slimmer and tired. My heart, that I thought frozen, trembles a little more. I blame myself because I didn’t call him those past weeks, I’m afraid of how much my heart thumps knowing that I just really missed him. Then I remember that he’s not alone. He has a man in his life and it’s not me.
“I came to take my stuff. J didn’t seem to know we broke up.”
He smirks painfully and I feel the mad urge to take him in my arms to comfort him. But after what? We get back together and we share him; Kimura and I? Some days by week? Or should I renounce to the days when he’s not on Tour?
“Please, make yourself home.”
Not so long ago, I was at home and I know he thinks like me even if I can only see his back now.
“I’ll do quick, I don’t have a lot of things.”
He lights a cigarette and his hands are trembling, I can barely see some scabs on his hands. I stop to observe him and I freak out, literally, viscerally. His eyes are red and puffed, there are no partitions on the piano and it never happened. Not a day passed when he doesn’t play piano.
“Kazunari?”
“Hm?”
“How are you?”
“I’m…totally fine.”
He murmurs, I can barely hear him, I answer the same way with a bittersweet smile.
“Stop lying, you’re scary.”
“I don’t sleep very well nowadays…I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
He smiles suddenly and he walks to me.
“So come back to me.”
“I can’t.”
“It’s true, Jun-kun told me.”
“What?”
“That you live with Toma now.”
He thinks I’m with Toma?!
“But we could be friends, go out together from time to time? It could be enough.”
Oh fuck, yes. Be by his side now put me in a strange state of mind, on the verge of explosion. And even if I resist touching him, I’m crazy about him, more than before, certainly the missing him. He waits for an answer and I’m afraid I can’t control my voice, that he discovers how I still want him.
“Go out?”
“Take a drink maybe. Listen to a concert? If…it doesn’t bother Ikuta.”
It hurts that he thinks that I replaced him so quickly and it’s a bitter revenge and sneaky. It’s so far from us and I love him too much to see him suffer. Despite my pain, I want only his good.
“I know I lost you and I’ll do my best to not embarrass you, I swear.”
“It’s not a good idea.”
“I need some time to lose you. It’s idiotic and selfish but I need you to be by my side, a little bit. To get used to being alone.”
“Okay.”
“When?”
I smile to his enthusiasm.
“I don’t know Kazunari. I work a lot currently.”
“I’ll wait for you.”
I know the hidden words behind this sentence, I know him so well. But I don’t understand his behavior. He’s suffering because we broke up, it’s obvious, but I don’t get what he wants from me. A ménage-a-trois? Bullshit.
I take some bags and I don’t take my eyes off him. My hands are trembling too but it’s because I want to touch him, caress him, to finally quench my thirst. I see his lost gaze, I see Gershwin against him, look for his caress to comfort him and I hate myself for this. In my head I hear J who’s telling me how I’m a pitiful lover and I can only agree with him.
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