Amaeru 甘える (7/7)
Dec. 16th, 2014 03:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wendyjolyTitle : Amaeru
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari, Sho Sakurai/Matsumoto Jun
Rating : From PG to NC-17
Summary : Ohno Satoshi, young and promising actor just lost his wife in a car crash, an actress twice his age. She entrusted him his son, Kazunari, his worst intimate enemy.
CHAPTER 7
“Fuck…we’re in a Bee Gees PV…”
I try to hide my smile but Jun and his supersonic ears didn’t miss the whisper of my reckless neighbour. He glares at us, his eyes narrowed in two thin slits.
I must admit he’s not wrong. The white beach, the palm trees, this wonderful sunset and the two grooms bare feet in white suits, it’s very Bee Gees. But they are beautiful and in love, so happy that I wonder what they did during their previous lives to deserve such a bliss.
“He’s gonna strangle you as soon as the ceremony will be over. He’s stuck, for the moment, you could take advantage of it to run away. Stay in crowded places…”
“Shh…” He chuckles and fumbles to find a hand I refuse to him.
He stares at me, surprised and I discreetly point Sho’s father and Jun’s parents.
Actually, it doesn’t matter, it’s a gay wedding and I don’t see why our relationship would shock them. The guests are in heaven, but I feel bad in spite of this awesome event, I’m simply preparing myself by refusing the hand he offered me.
I take a glance at him and admire his appeased smile. He’s happy here, and I know he’s moved just like me by this marriage. Jun’s voice is strong and full of emotions.
“May you never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, because I couldn’t live a day without you.”
I crush a lonely tear, cursing my lacrimal system exaggeratedly sensitive with years. I meet Nino’s gaze again and this time, he doesn’t ask and grabs my hand.
“Why Hawaii? Why not Okinawa, like we said?” He asks for the nth time since I announced our destination.
We’re at the grooms table, sipping a luxurious champagne in splendid crystal glasses. I look around and avoid to answer.
“You dislike Hawaii?”
“Stop answering to a question by another one, why Hawaii?”
“I sold the Okinawa’s house.”
“You what?! But it was your legacy!”
“You know I didn’t want it. We didn’t go anyway. You wanted to go there?”
“It’s not the problem. Why didn’t you tell me? When?”
“A few months. When you began university, I think.”
“I can’t get why you didn’t tell me.”
“It’s not a big deal. It was purely an administrative stuff.”
“…You do what you want with your money, after all.”
He turns his back to me and I can see how much he’s vexed, I can’t blame him. I know he would have liked to know, he would have considered this like a proof of love.
And it is. Not the way he can imagine it, though.
The party goes smoothly. I watch the newly-weds dancing amorously entwined and my heart breaks a bit more when I cross Kazunari’s joyful look as he dances with Jun’s mother.
I’d like so much living an easy life by his side, like Jun and Sho. I don’t jealous their freedom, for Nino’s love I won’t think twice, I don’t care about mass media.
If it was the best for him. I’m lost in my thought and he pulls my sleeve.
“Dance with me.”
“I suck with dancing.”
“Liar. I know how you move.” He makes me blush.
Seeing Jun’s gaze, I follow him on the dance floor.
I put my hands to his hips and he snakes his arms around my neck. He chuckles when “How deep is your love” by the Bee Gees starts and puts his thumb up for Jun who slid behind the turntable for the occasion.
Sho is dancing with his step mother while the two fathers are chatting pleasantly. The other guests, some friends, colleagues, join us and soon we’re lost among the crowd. He holds me tighter, puts his head at my neck and I clench my jaws.
“I love you.”
It’s a whisper and I could swear I dreamt it if my heart wouldn’t have bound in my chest. He never told it to me but I always knew. Yet, I’m convinced it’s the best moment for this intimate confession.
During this event full of joy and love, I couldn’t have dreamt better.
I peck his lips. It’s almost painful and it’s hard to go back at the table after this.
We’re in a strange state of mind, we keep our mouth shut, we gaze at each other and we smile as if the best was still to come.
“I’m tired. Are we going to bed?”
“I don’t know…”
“Sho-kun said he would kiss Jun for us.”
“Little brat.”
“Please.”
“Okay.”
We’re tiptoeing to the exit, waving our friends and climbing up to our bedroom.
We undress in silent, folding properly our suits. We’re soon naked at the foot of the bed and we kiss before crawling together on the soft mattress. His hands are caressing me hastily, squeezing me and our hips are meeting in a dance we can’t curb anymore. He makes me roll over the bed and captures my hands above my head.
With one hand he strokes my arm and the muscles of my side then resumes his kisses. I fixate his serious gaze, excited by the intensity of a desire he can’t hide when we’re just the two of us. He wants me but I know he won’t exceed the limits I imposed even if he’s frustrated and tries his luck from time to time.
He reaches out the night stand where he grabs a little bottle he shows me with determination.
“Please Satoshi. I know you said you can’t…but please. Please…show me you love me.”
I can’t answer, he wraps my member and teases my envy, muffling my derisory protestations with his mouth. He puts the bottle on the bed and slides along my body until my crotch. He takes me between his lips but with a soft move, I make him roll under me.
“Nino.”
He panics.
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been so sure.”
He’s insecure once more but I want to make this night beautiful. I crawl along his stomach, putting butterflies kisses on my way and place between his parted legs. It’s time for me to assume the desire I’ve always feel for him, I have to erase his doubts. He doesn’t force me, he’s not the instigator of this moment of love, I want him, just like he wants me. Far more undoubtedly.
His shaft is pointing proudly and I can’t resist anymore, I place it between my parted lips and I suck it, lick it the best I can, following my own desire and his moans of pleasure. He hands me the lubricant and part his legs wider. I prepare him properly, tenderly, I don’t want to hurt him and yet I know I will.
“Satoshi…” He opens his arms and I crawl to him. He seizes my sex and guides it to his hole.
“I’m pretty large.” I try to apologize, again, but he laughs.
“I know exactly how large you are. Now shut up and show me how deep is your love.”
I chuckle.
“It’s so…gross.”
His lame joke appeases us and puts things back in place. Love has to be joyful and full of complicity. I almost forgot it.
I thrust slowly, kissing him to ease his pain but he doesn’t sound to suffer at all. He groans huskily and arches his back to take me deeper, making me losing ground definitely.
It’s so good, beyond describable to possess him, hearing him screaming his pleasure and his love. Inside I’m already crying but I chase away my egotism and with one hand I wrap his hardness to make him find some relief. He puts his legs around my waist leading our dance sensually, clinging his slim body to mine, erasing the distance between us. I can’t stand for long and I release in him as he spurts his milky seed on our two bellies.
I fall on him, taking his mouth violently, caressing him again and again.
I leave him with a soft sway of my hips and lies down by his side.
He smiles luminously, then rises from the bed and goes to the bathroom.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m gonna wash you.”
He puts a towel on the bed and slowly cleans my belly and his. He's so beautiful that it hurts...I grab his wrist.
“It was wonderful.”
He nods seriously and resumes his task.
When the sunlight bathes the bedroom we didn’t sleep at all. We kissed all night, talked about silly things and when dawn came we made love again; his presence makes me dizzy, my chest prisoned in a bitter sweet vice.
The alarm clock forces us to pack our things and dress. We’re ready when Jun knocks at our door and after a quick breakfast we’re heading to the airport.
It left only the parents of the grooms, them and us and seeing the black circles around the boys’ eyes, they probably spent a night similar to ours. But they beam.
I remain silent and in my mind, for the nth times, I repeat my text.
Once in the great Hall of the airport, as the voice calls the passengers for the honey moon’s destination, I pull his hand. Jun sends me an encouraging gaze and I nod even if I’m on the verge of fainting.
“Where are they going?” He throws joyfully.
“Paris. And you go too.”
“I…? No way. What are you talking about?”
“Your luggage is already on board and Jun has your ticket. They brought you to Paris because next week, you’ll begin to study at Les Gobelins.”
“What are you talking about?” But his voice is only a whisper and he looks down for hiding his tears.
“I bought you an apartment with the money from Okinawa’s house. Your scholarship is paid too, you don’t have to worry about anything. Just study and become the artist you dream to be.”
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“We don’t have any future together, Nino, and you know it. If you stay here we don’t have any future together. One day, you’ll blame me for making you miss such an occasion. To be honest, I already blame me because you thought twice about it. So…go.”
He swallows a sob and holds me tighter.
“Thanks for not pretending you don’t love me for me to go.” He murmurs against my neck. I chuckle sadly.
“You won’t have believed me anyway.”
“I know you love me and I know it breaks your heart too. And…I’m proud to love such a man, courageous enough to sacrifice himself. But I don’t need to be far from you to be happy. I could~”
“You need to live a fulfilled life. And thanks to you, I became this man you like. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Be confident and let it go, I’m proud to love a man like you too.”
“You’re the first person who made me fell desired and loved, I~”
A new call for Paris interrupts us and Jun smiles sadly. I cup Kazunari’s face, gazing at him straightforwardly. There are so many things I’d like to tell, so many things I should keep for myself for him to live a life with no regrets out there, without looking back, without thinking I’m only the half of myself now. But I don’t have time to overthink and it’s better this way. I go straight to the point.
“Go now. They will stay with you until the beginning of the courses, you won’t be alone. Jun will introduce you some friends you’ll be able to rely on. Live your life, you owe me nothing. Be happy, that’s all it matters.”
“It’s time, Nino.” Sho pats his back and I entrust him after a last kiss. Jun takes me in his arms and once again tells me I took the good decision.
When they are out of sight, I feel Jun’s mother grabbing my arm and for the last time I allow myself to cry on this loving mother’s shoulder.
=+=
I smile in my sleep, feeling the familiar numbness in my shoulder. I caress her head, her little hair on the nape of her neck, my fingers soon wet with her sweat.
She sleeps deeply and I do my best for her to be comfortable on me, making a rampart with my body against the rest of the world.
“Satoshi…” It’s only a murmur by my side but it’s enough to wake me up for good. Jun is kneeled at the couch’s feet, his hand on her daughter’s back. He takes her delicately in his arms and a fresh breathe thrills me. I sit down and stretch as much as I can.
“You’re back?” I rub my sleepy eyes. His luggage is on the floor in a corner of my living room and at his feet his big leather bag, half opened.
“The taxi drove me here directly.” He smiles like an idiot and hides his nose in the little girl’s neck. “She smells like you. A mix of paint and soap.”
“She doesn’t complain…we love taking a nap together.”
“I know.”
“Let her sleep, awful father!”
“I didn’t see her since a week.”
“You’ll enjoy her when she will be awake.”
He sighs and puts her back on the couch and she doesn’t react, her little fist clenched on each side of her head.
“Coffee?”
“Why not?”
I stroll to the kitchen and take a glance at him, moved to see him so in love with his girl. I’m not really surprised, I always knew they would be great fathers and that once married, they would have a baby one day or another. Then Reira barged into their lives and I watched them becoming a family. Touching, clumsy sometimes (because you can be paediatrician, when it’s your own child, you’re like everybody else), loving above all.
I go back to Jun and hand him a smoking mug.
“The trip?”
“Good. Tiring. I’m glad to be at home.”
“Did you call Sho?”
“At Narita. He will try to be home early. Your exhibition?”
“Great. I have to go to the gallery tomorrow. I put in card boxes every little things I found in my workshop, see if it can be useful. You’ll be here for the launch?”
“Sure, we won’t miss this.”
“Reira too?”
“She loves your Art.”
“By the way…we painted together today. And if she wears only a diaper it’s because we ruined her pretty dress.”
“Which one?”
“Surprise!”
I frown devilishly and he slaps my head. We’re chatting, he tells me his daughter, his man, his job, I offer him a dinner.
After a call to his husband he accepts and helps me to cook, while he takes care of Reira, who’s finally awake.
He sets her between his legs and offers her a bottle of milk she drinks, her eyes on us.
“What’s up Toshi?”
If he uses this nickname I know it’s on purpose.
“Where should I begin?”
“Where you want. If you tell me you’re fine, It will be enough to make me glad.”
“I’m fine. Perfectly fine. Thanks.”
He caresses her daughter’s hair absent-mindedly. I know he would like for me to go further but I’m telling the truth and he knows it. It’s more than enough for old friends like us.
When they leave me, I open the panoramic window and sit on the beach.
It’s a pretty night full of stars and I lay down to observe the sky. So many things happened since this morning at the airport.
3 years already.
When I came back in Tokyo, I moved on without him. Still today it’s hard for me to speak his name. It’s like a dream. Him and I, what we shared, it was too beautiful to be true.
I revolutionized my life once again to stay faithful to the man he loved, the man I became thanks to him. I restarted from scratches, everything was allowed to me, I was a white page. I struggled to turn this break up into a positive event, I learned resilience.
I stopped shooting movies. I stopped shooting dramas. I kept only the butais, finding my freedom in the intimacy of theatres and troupe’s work.
Free from the constraints of promotion, from production studios, from interviews and papers, I began to paint for real. It became my life. In this huge house, I decided to live only in my workshop, refusing the others rooms. It wasn’t necessary since he wasn’t here anymore.
The day of his birthday the notary called me to announce that he decided to sell the house if I agreed. Of course, I did, and the next week I moved without looking back. It was only a mausoleum and I guarded it until Nino’s majority like Riko wished to. He freed me, and I felt a real relief to leave this house where their ghosts haunted me.
I left Tokyo and found a little fisherman’s house boarding the beach in Saitama. My life is simple and quiet, almost monk-like.
Jun and Sho are gentle enough to let me baby-sit their daughter from time to time.
And I’ll have an exhibition.
A gallery of Saitama contacted me after a photo-shoot Jun did for a national magazine. I refused several times, then eventually agreed, feeling an excitement I didn’t feel since years.
I’ll be naked and I freak out. By acting I become someone else, people see a character but displaying my work…this is a hotline plugged on my brain, it’s terrifying and stimulating at the same time.
The first thing I wanted to do was calling him but I didn’t hear his voice once during all those years. Not because I never wish taking the first flight for Paris. I even took tickets once but I ran away in the boarding hall.
It’s probably better.
The only way to stand firm. I know he’s fine because each week he talks to Sho. I don’t ask for details, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know who’s in his life, who’s in his heart and in his bed, I can’t.
Later perhaps?
Sometimes when my thoughts wander to him, a tsunami of sadness overwhelms me, like after Riko’s death. At that time I struggled to repulse it, sad and exhausted to lose the battle each time.
But it’s over. I don’t struggle anymore. I finally understood that I won’t ever be the man I used to be. This sadness is part of me, intimately, intrinsically and if it sleeps most of the time, it reappears when I don’t expect it because of a song, or a too vivid memory.
In those moments, I sit on the beach or face a white canvas. I let it flow until the end of the tsunami.
Because in spite of everything, I’m alive.
The next morning at dawn I’m at the gallery. They sent me a truck and I filled it entirely.
I can’t believe I’m not the first there. A team is already setting separator panels, organizing the visit. I greet them an immediately begins to work. I paint, I nail, find so many stuffs in the card boxes surprisingly useful.
By the end of the day, I panic. I call Jun and he’s gentle enough to come willingly. I’ll show him around and he takes pictures, making me forget my stress.
The first guests enter the gallery and I hide on a stair, observing them. They smile and watch my work, talk enthusiastically. I’m moved and relieved. I could stay up there all my life.
“We climb down?”
“Wait a minute.”
“Satoshi, the director of the gallery is surely crazy because you vanished. Plus Sho and Reira should be here.”
“Okay…don’t let me down.”
People congratulate me, shake my hand and I manage to exit after ten minutes. I walk to a back alley to light a cigarette, asking Jun to watch for my back.
“You’re such a kid!”
“It’s not funny.”
“Anyway, people are enthusiastic. They love your work.”
I let the silence falling on us to appease the beatings of my heart. It’s been so long that I fear a heart attack.
“I think…I’d like for him to be here.”
I never talk about Nino to Jun because I don’t want to give up to melancholy, because I don’t want to hear anything about his life…what if he tells me he found someone, that he’s married?
Yet in this very moment, I want him to know.
“Why won’t you call him?”
“After 3 years, I’m gonna call him as if nothing happened, that’s what you mean?”
“Exactly. You care about each other.”
“If he had wished hearing me, he would have called, Jun. He lives his life and it’s good. That’s what I asked him.”
“And you?”
“Me?”
“Your life?”
“If he’s happy, I’m too.”
“Do you still love him?”
“How could I not love him anymore?”
I feel a hand on the nape of my neck and I jerk. I’m already in his arms, against him. I try to speak but the knot in my throat is too big. I see Sho and Reira above his shoulder, then Jun smiling, dragging them inside.
Why is he here? He came back with Jun?
I don’t give a shit, he’s here in my arms and that’s all it matters. I squeeze him thigh and I hear his laugher I missed so much. He cups my face and I feel a void in my stomach when I dive into his loving gaze. He kisses me tenderly and my legs are like jelly. But he holds me firmly and I cling on him as strong as I can.
I can’t believe it and yet he’s here.
At last, I breathe his odour, I feel the sweetness of his skin under my mouth, I feel his thrill of pleasure answering me and encouraging me to believe. He stuck his lips at my ear.
“Okaeri.”
“…Tadaima.”
That's all folks see you soon ^@^
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari, Sho Sakurai/Matsumoto Jun
Rating : From PG to NC-17
Summary : Ohno Satoshi, young and promising actor just lost his wife in a car crash, an actress twice his age. She entrusted him his son, Kazunari, his worst intimate enemy.
CHAPTER 7
“Fuck…we’re in a Bee Gees PV…”
I try to hide my smile but Jun and his supersonic ears didn’t miss the whisper of my reckless neighbour. He glares at us, his eyes narrowed in two thin slits.
I must admit he’s not wrong. The white beach, the palm trees, this wonderful sunset and the two grooms bare feet in white suits, it’s very Bee Gees. But they are beautiful and in love, so happy that I wonder what they did during their previous lives to deserve such a bliss.
“He’s gonna strangle you as soon as the ceremony will be over. He’s stuck, for the moment, you could take advantage of it to run away. Stay in crowded places…”
“Shh…” He chuckles and fumbles to find a hand I refuse to him.
He stares at me, surprised and I discreetly point Sho’s father and Jun’s parents.
Actually, it doesn’t matter, it’s a gay wedding and I don’t see why our relationship would shock them. The guests are in heaven, but I feel bad in spite of this awesome event, I’m simply preparing myself by refusing the hand he offered me.
I take a glance at him and admire his appeased smile. He’s happy here, and I know he’s moved just like me by this marriage. Jun’s voice is strong and full of emotions.
“May you never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, because I couldn’t live a day without you.”
I crush a lonely tear, cursing my lacrimal system exaggeratedly sensitive with years. I meet Nino’s gaze again and this time, he doesn’t ask and grabs my hand.
“Why Hawaii? Why not Okinawa, like we said?” He asks for the nth time since I announced our destination.
We’re at the grooms table, sipping a luxurious champagne in splendid crystal glasses. I look around and avoid to answer.
“You dislike Hawaii?”
“Stop answering to a question by another one, why Hawaii?”
“I sold the Okinawa’s house.”
“You what?! But it was your legacy!”
“You know I didn’t want it. We didn’t go anyway. You wanted to go there?”
“It’s not the problem. Why didn’t you tell me? When?”
“A few months. When you began university, I think.”
“I can’t get why you didn’t tell me.”
“It’s not a big deal. It was purely an administrative stuff.”
“…You do what you want with your money, after all.”
He turns his back to me and I can see how much he’s vexed, I can’t blame him. I know he would have liked to know, he would have considered this like a proof of love.
And it is. Not the way he can imagine it, though.
The party goes smoothly. I watch the newly-weds dancing amorously entwined and my heart breaks a bit more when I cross Kazunari’s joyful look as he dances with Jun’s mother.
I’d like so much living an easy life by his side, like Jun and Sho. I don’t jealous their freedom, for Nino’s love I won’t think twice, I don’t care about mass media.
If it was the best for him. I’m lost in my thought and he pulls my sleeve.
“Dance with me.”
“I suck with dancing.”
“Liar. I know how you move.” He makes me blush.
Seeing Jun’s gaze, I follow him on the dance floor.
I put my hands to his hips and he snakes his arms around my neck. He chuckles when “How deep is your love” by the Bee Gees starts and puts his thumb up for Jun who slid behind the turntable for the occasion.
Sho is dancing with his step mother while the two fathers are chatting pleasantly. The other guests, some friends, colleagues, join us and soon we’re lost among the crowd. He holds me tighter, puts his head at my neck and I clench my jaws.
“I love you.”
It’s a whisper and I could swear I dreamt it if my heart wouldn’t have bound in my chest. He never told it to me but I always knew. Yet, I’m convinced it’s the best moment for this intimate confession.
During this event full of joy and love, I couldn’t have dreamt better.
I peck his lips. It’s almost painful and it’s hard to go back at the table after this.
We’re in a strange state of mind, we keep our mouth shut, we gaze at each other and we smile as if the best was still to come.
“I’m tired. Are we going to bed?”
“I don’t know…”
“Sho-kun said he would kiss Jun for us.”
“Little brat.”
“Please.”
“Okay.”
We’re tiptoeing to the exit, waving our friends and climbing up to our bedroom.
We undress in silent, folding properly our suits. We’re soon naked at the foot of the bed and we kiss before crawling together on the soft mattress. His hands are caressing me hastily, squeezing me and our hips are meeting in a dance we can’t curb anymore. He makes me roll over the bed and captures my hands above my head.
With one hand he strokes my arm and the muscles of my side then resumes his kisses. I fixate his serious gaze, excited by the intensity of a desire he can’t hide when we’re just the two of us. He wants me but I know he won’t exceed the limits I imposed even if he’s frustrated and tries his luck from time to time.
He reaches out the night stand where he grabs a little bottle he shows me with determination.
“Please Satoshi. I know you said you can’t…but please. Please…show me you love me.”
I can’t answer, he wraps my member and teases my envy, muffling my derisory protestations with his mouth. He puts the bottle on the bed and slides along my body until my crotch. He takes me between his lips but with a soft move, I make him roll under me.
“Nino.”
He panics.
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been so sure.”
He’s insecure once more but I want to make this night beautiful. I crawl along his stomach, putting butterflies kisses on my way and place between his parted legs. It’s time for me to assume the desire I’ve always feel for him, I have to erase his doubts. He doesn’t force me, he’s not the instigator of this moment of love, I want him, just like he wants me. Far more undoubtedly.
His shaft is pointing proudly and I can’t resist anymore, I place it between my parted lips and I suck it, lick it the best I can, following my own desire and his moans of pleasure. He hands me the lubricant and part his legs wider. I prepare him properly, tenderly, I don’t want to hurt him and yet I know I will.
“Satoshi…” He opens his arms and I crawl to him. He seizes my sex and guides it to his hole.
“I’m pretty large.” I try to apologize, again, but he laughs.
“I know exactly how large you are. Now shut up and show me how deep is your love.”
I chuckle.
“It’s so…gross.”
His lame joke appeases us and puts things back in place. Love has to be joyful and full of complicity. I almost forgot it.
I thrust slowly, kissing him to ease his pain but he doesn’t sound to suffer at all. He groans huskily and arches his back to take me deeper, making me losing ground definitely.
It’s so good, beyond describable to possess him, hearing him screaming his pleasure and his love. Inside I’m already crying but I chase away my egotism and with one hand I wrap his hardness to make him find some relief. He puts his legs around my waist leading our dance sensually, clinging his slim body to mine, erasing the distance between us. I can’t stand for long and I release in him as he spurts his milky seed on our two bellies.
I fall on him, taking his mouth violently, caressing him again and again.
I leave him with a soft sway of my hips and lies down by his side.
He smiles luminously, then rises from the bed and goes to the bathroom.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m gonna wash you.”
He puts a towel on the bed and slowly cleans my belly and his. He's so beautiful that it hurts...I grab his wrist.
“It was wonderful.”
He nods seriously and resumes his task.
When the sunlight bathes the bedroom we didn’t sleep at all. We kissed all night, talked about silly things and when dawn came we made love again; his presence makes me dizzy, my chest prisoned in a bitter sweet vice.
The alarm clock forces us to pack our things and dress. We’re ready when Jun knocks at our door and after a quick breakfast we’re heading to the airport.
It left only the parents of the grooms, them and us and seeing the black circles around the boys’ eyes, they probably spent a night similar to ours. But they beam.
I remain silent and in my mind, for the nth times, I repeat my text.
Once in the great Hall of the airport, as the voice calls the passengers for the honey moon’s destination, I pull his hand. Jun sends me an encouraging gaze and I nod even if I’m on the verge of fainting.
“Where are they going?” He throws joyfully.
“Paris. And you go too.”
“I…? No way. What are you talking about?”
“Your luggage is already on board and Jun has your ticket. They brought you to Paris because next week, you’ll begin to study at Les Gobelins.”
“What are you talking about?” But his voice is only a whisper and he looks down for hiding his tears.
“I bought you an apartment with the money from Okinawa’s house. Your scholarship is paid too, you don’t have to worry about anything. Just study and become the artist you dream to be.”
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“We don’t have any future together, Nino, and you know it. If you stay here we don’t have any future together. One day, you’ll blame me for making you miss such an occasion. To be honest, I already blame me because you thought twice about it. So…go.”
He swallows a sob and holds me tighter.
“Thanks for not pretending you don’t love me for me to go.” He murmurs against my neck. I chuckle sadly.
“You won’t have believed me anyway.”
“I know you love me and I know it breaks your heart too. And…I’m proud to love such a man, courageous enough to sacrifice himself. But I don’t need to be far from you to be happy. I could~”
“You need to live a fulfilled life. And thanks to you, I became this man you like. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Be confident and let it go, I’m proud to love a man like you too.”
“You’re the first person who made me fell desired and loved, I~”
A new call for Paris interrupts us and Jun smiles sadly. I cup Kazunari’s face, gazing at him straightforwardly. There are so many things I’d like to tell, so many things I should keep for myself for him to live a life with no regrets out there, without looking back, without thinking I’m only the half of myself now. But I don’t have time to overthink and it’s better this way. I go straight to the point.
“Go now. They will stay with you until the beginning of the courses, you won’t be alone. Jun will introduce you some friends you’ll be able to rely on. Live your life, you owe me nothing. Be happy, that’s all it matters.”
“It’s time, Nino.” Sho pats his back and I entrust him after a last kiss. Jun takes me in his arms and once again tells me I took the good decision.
When they are out of sight, I feel Jun’s mother grabbing my arm and for the last time I allow myself to cry on this loving mother’s shoulder.
=+=
I smile in my sleep, feeling the familiar numbness in my shoulder. I caress her head, her little hair on the nape of her neck, my fingers soon wet with her sweat.
She sleeps deeply and I do my best for her to be comfortable on me, making a rampart with my body against the rest of the world.
“Satoshi…” It’s only a murmur by my side but it’s enough to wake me up for good. Jun is kneeled at the couch’s feet, his hand on her daughter’s back. He takes her delicately in his arms and a fresh breathe thrills me. I sit down and stretch as much as I can.
“You’re back?” I rub my sleepy eyes. His luggage is on the floor in a corner of my living room and at his feet his big leather bag, half opened.
“The taxi drove me here directly.” He smiles like an idiot and hides his nose in the little girl’s neck. “She smells like you. A mix of paint and soap.”
“She doesn’t complain…we love taking a nap together.”
“I know.”
“Let her sleep, awful father!”
“I didn’t see her since a week.”
“You’ll enjoy her when she will be awake.”
He sighs and puts her back on the couch and she doesn’t react, her little fist clenched on each side of her head.
“Coffee?”
“Why not?”
I stroll to the kitchen and take a glance at him, moved to see him so in love with his girl. I’m not really surprised, I always knew they would be great fathers and that once married, they would have a baby one day or another. Then Reira barged into their lives and I watched them becoming a family. Touching, clumsy sometimes (because you can be paediatrician, when it’s your own child, you’re like everybody else), loving above all.
I go back to Jun and hand him a smoking mug.
“The trip?”
“Good. Tiring. I’m glad to be at home.”
“Did you call Sho?”
“At Narita. He will try to be home early. Your exhibition?”
“Great. I have to go to the gallery tomorrow. I put in card boxes every little things I found in my workshop, see if it can be useful. You’ll be here for the launch?”
“Sure, we won’t miss this.”
“Reira too?”
“She loves your Art.”
“By the way…we painted together today. And if she wears only a diaper it’s because we ruined her pretty dress.”
“Which one?”
“Surprise!”
I frown devilishly and he slaps my head. We’re chatting, he tells me his daughter, his man, his job, I offer him a dinner.
After a call to his husband he accepts and helps me to cook, while he takes care of Reira, who’s finally awake.
He sets her between his legs and offers her a bottle of milk she drinks, her eyes on us.
“What’s up Toshi?”
If he uses this nickname I know it’s on purpose.
“Where should I begin?”
“Where you want. If you tell me you’re fine, It will be enough to make me glad.”
“I’m fine. Perfectly fine. Thanks.”
He caresses her daughter’s hair absent-mindedly. I know he would like for me to go further but I’m telling the truth and he knows it. It’s more than enough for old friends like us.
When they leave me, I open the panoramic window and sit on the beach.
It’s a pretty night full of stars and I lay down to observe the sky. So many things happened since this morning at the airport.
3 years already.
When I came back in Tokyo, I moved on without him. Still today it’s hard for me to speak his name. It’s like a dream. Him and I, what we shared, it was too beautiful to be true.
I revolutionized my life once again to stay faithful to the man he loved, the man I became thanks to him. I restarted from scratches, everything was allowed to me, I was a white page. I struggled to turn this break up into a positive event, I learned resilience.
I stopped shooting movies. I stopped shooting dramas. I kept only the butais, finding my freedom in the intimacy of theatres and troupe’s work.
Free from the constraints of promotion, from production studios, from interviews and papers, I began to paint for real. It became my life. In this huge house, I decided to live only in my workshop, refusing the others rooms. It wasn’t necessary since he wasn’t here anymore.
The day of his birthday the notary called me to announce that he decided to sell the house if I agreed. Of course, I did, and the next week I moved without looking back. It was only a mausoleum and I guarded it until Nino’s majority like Riko wished to. He freed me, and I felt a real relief to leave this house where their ghosts haunted me.
I left Tokyo and found a little fisherman’s house boarding the beach in Saitama. My life is simple and quiet, almost monk-like.
Jun and Sho are gentle enough to let me baby-sit their daughter from time to time.
And I’ll have an exhibition.
A gallery of Saitama contacted me after a photo-shoot Jun did for a national magazine. I refused several times, then eventually agreed, feeling an excitement I didn’t feel since years.
I’ll be naked and I freak out. By acting I become someone else, people see a character but displaying my work…this is a hotline plugged on my brain, it’s terrifying and stimulating at the same time.
The first thing I wanted to do was calling him but I didn’t hear his voice once during all those years. Not because I never wish taking the first flight for Paris. I even took tickets once but I ran away in the boarding hall.
It’s probably better.
The only way to stand firm. I know he’s fine because each week he talks to Sho. I don’t ask for details, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know who’s in his life, who’s in his heart and in his bed, I can’t.
Later perhaps?
Sometimes when my thoughts wander to him, a tsunami of sadness overwhelms me, like after Riko’s death. At that time I struggled to repulse it, sad and exhausted to lose the battle each time.
But it’s over. I don’t struggle anymore. I finally understood that I won’t ever be the man I used to be. This sadness is part of me, intimately, intrinsically and if it sleeps most of the time, it reappears when I don’t expect it because of a song, or a too vivid memory.
In those moments, I sit on the beach or face a white canvas. I let it flow until the end of the tsunami.
Because in spite of everything, I’m alive.
The next morning at dawn I’m at the gallery. They sent me a truck and I filled it entirely.
I can’t believe I’m not the first there. A team is already setting separator panels, organizing the visit. I greet them an immediately begins to work. I paint, I nail, find so many stuffs in the card boxes surprisingly useful.
By the end of the day, I panic. I call Jun and he’s gentle enough to come willingly. I’ll show him around and he takes pictures, making me forget my stress.
The first guests enter the gallery and I hide on a stair, observing them. They smile and watch my work, talk enthusiastically. I’m moved and relieved. I could stay up there all my life.
“We climb down?”
“Wait a minute.”
“Satoshi, the director of the gallery is surely crazy because you vanished. Plus Sho and Reira should be here.”
“Okay…don’t let me down.”
People congratulate me, shake my hand and I manage to exit after ten minutes. I walk to a back alley to light a cigarette, asking Jun to watch for my back.
“You’re such a kid!”
“It’s not funny.”
“Anyway, people are enthusiastic. They love your work.”
I let the silence falling on us to appease the beatings of my heart. It’s been so long that I fear a heart attack.
“I think…I’d like for him to be here.”
I never talk about Nino to Jun because I don’t want to give up to melancholy, because I don’t want to hear anything about his life…what if he tells me he found someone, that he’s married?
Yet in this very moment, I want him to know.
“Why won’t you call him?”
“After 3 years, I’m gonna call him as if nothing happened, that’s what you mean?”
“Exactly. You care about each other.”
“If he had wished hearing me, he would have called, Jun. He lives his life and it’s good. That’s what I asked him.”
“And you?”
“Me?”
“Your life?”
“If he’s happy, I’m too.”
“Do you still love him?”
“How could I not love him anymore?”
I feel a hand on the nape of my neck and I jerk. I’m already in his arms, against him. I try to speak but the knot in my throat is too big. I see Sho and Reira above his shoulder, then Jun smiling, dragging them inside.
Why is he here? He came back with Jun?
I don’t give a shit, he’s here in my arms and that’s all it matters. I squeeze him thigh and I hear his laugher I missed so much. He cups my face and I feel a void in my stomach when I dive into his loving gaze. He kisses me tenderly and my legs are like jelly. But he holds me firmly and I cling on him as strong as I can.
I can’t believe it and yet he’s here.
At last, I breathe his odour, I feel the sweetness of his skin under my mouth, I feel his thrill of pleasure answering me and encouraging me to believe. He stuck his lips at my ear.
“Okaeri.”
“…Tadaima.”
That's all folks see you soon ^@^
