Amaeru 甘える (3/8)
Dec. 1st, 2014 05:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wendyjolyTitle : Amaeru
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari, Sho Sakurai/Matsumoto Jun
Rating : From PG to NC-17
Summary : Ohno Satoshi, young and promising actor just lost his wife in a car crash, an actress twice his age. She entrusted him his son, Kazunari, his worst intimate enemy.
CHAPTER 3
During the following weeks, I drive him at school each day and do my best to be here at the end of the courses too. I call his head master once a week to double-check and I see the end of the movie coming apprehensively.
I already have a project for the next month yet I can’t help but freaking out. This movie has been my lifebuoy after Riko’s death and I fear the loss of my so fragile balance.
I count the days and do my best in spite of everything.
Yet, when a whinny Aiko offers me a huge bouquet after the last scene shooting, I can’t feel anything else than the satisfaction of achievement. By ending this movie, I have the feeling to have won a battle against the ghost of the depression, to have been able to prove to myself that I could do my work whatever the situation could be.
And that eventually life goes on.
“I’m sad to say goodbye to the staff.” Says Aiko as she hugs me, the big bouquet between us.
“Don’t worry, it’s a small world, you’ll see them on your next movies.”
“I hope so. I hope we’ll meet again, the both of us.”
“For the promo, you’ll see me so much you won’t be able to stand my view anymore.”
“I doubt of it.”
“Of what?”
“To be able to get bored of you.”
I feel idiotic, especially because she has this strange way to look at me. This so revealing shyness. I feel idiotic because she surprises me and because it doesn’t touch me at all. I could say I won’t ever fall in love because the only woman I want is six feet under, that I can’t imagine sharing someone else’s bed, but I don’t want to embarrass her so I smile as if I didn’t get the allusion.
It’s better this way.
We take a drink with the staff and when I go back home, Kazunari is waiting for me.
“Okaeri.”
“Tadaima.”
“So? This last day?”
He’s sitting in my bedroom, searching for papers and I sigh with relief when I see the work he achieved. I could kiss his feet for this.
“Better than I thought.”
“Did you drink?”
“One glass with the staff, I had to.”
“Don’t worry, I understand.”
“But I didn’t eat; I said someone was waiting for me at home.”
“Order something if you want. I follow you.” He answers without raising his gaze from the stack of paper.
“Okay.”
I fetch our usual list of meals on wheels and stop at the third line. A pizza will fit perfectly to the situation.
I fall on the couch and watch an nth episode of Dragon Ball Z I probably already saw thousand times.
“Here.”
I raise my gaze and take the big folder he hands me.
“What’s this?”
“My drawings. I have to warn you, you’re the first to see them.”
“…I’ll take care of them. Thanks.”
He smiles to hide his trouble. I know it’s hard to expose his soul this way and I’m grateful for the effort he makes to comfort me. He should dread that the end of the movie could undo me.
I untie the knots around the folder and for a second I wonder what will be my reaction if it’s bad. I chase away my doubts, I’m an actor after all, I’ll give my best shot.
But discovering the first sketch I fall in love.
Like the first time I read a manga of Tezuka-sensei, like the first time I watched a Ghibli’s anime. Two kids are holding hands, a boy with aviator glasses on the forehead, an ironic smirk adorning his face and a smaller one wearing a cap in animal shape.
At their feet, two words are scribbled ‘Shiro’ and ‘Kuro’.
Cautiously, I put the pages on the low table and take the next one, my hand trembling with emotion.
It’s a humongous clock, figuring a kind of Hindu God half man-half elephant, dominating the town from the roof of a devastated building.
Then some shady dirty streets decorated by flashy colours, tired and jaded men, and two scary guys looking like robots with sabres…
I take a glance at him and he’s nibbling his thumb nervously.
How can he fear my opinion? He’s a pure genius.
“Do tell me.”
He sits next to me.
“I don’t really have a storyline for now, simply that universe in mind.”
“Who are Shiro and Kuro?”
“Two kids living in the streets. At first, you could think that Kuro takes care of Shiro. He’s the taller and Shiro sounds to be a bit…air-headed. But actually, Shiro is Kuro’s balance; he’s the only reason for him to keep his sanity.”
“And them?”
“Cops. They are philosophe and nuanced. Like them, the yakuzas. There are no villains or heroes. Not really.”
“You mean that the children have to be together to be well-balanced and the adults are nuanced?”
“Nuanced, I don’t know. Shiro and Kuro are like two side of the same person. The adults are a whole.”
“And…it will be a manga?”
“If I find a story, why not?”
A sudden inspiration makes me run to my workshop to fetch an old dusty DVD. I show him.
“You know this?”
“Le Roi et l’Oiseau? Not at all. It’s Japanese? »
« French. But this anime is the one which inspired Miyazaki. He drew each part of this anime one drawing after another when he was young. That gave him the inspiration to become the man he’s now. Let’s watch it?”
“Why not.”
He’s sceptical, he doesn’t know what to expect, but seeing his sketches, I’m pretty sure that this anime will pull the trigger for him, just like it did for Miyazaki.
I put the DVD on the giant screen of the living room and let its magic do the rest. I saw it thousands times but each time it’s like the first. That words, this absurdity, this poetry everywhere, in each drawing, each movements, each scene and interactions…
He doesn’t even move when the errand guy delivers the pizza, not when I put a piece of it into his mouth.
When the movie ends on the image of the giant robot protecting a flower that so many animes reproduced after, he stands still, struck by the lightning like I was years ago.
“So? You like it?”
“He did everything by himself? All alone?”
“Yeah, all alone, during 20 years. This is a lifetime work.”
“Can we watch it again?”
He has those puppy eyes I can’t resist.
“Okay.”
I grab the zapper and put on the movie again while he turns off the lights and nestle against me. I put my arm on the back of the couch and he rests his head on my knees, sliding his hands between his thighs. I caress brush his hair and I could swear hearing him mewling with pleasure as he catches a blanket. This time, we’re commenting it. We’re analysing the images and I figure out how much he can notice things I didn’t see, he absorbs the movie and I’m stunned by his cleverness. I always knew he was smart but he hid very skilfully his brilliantness, the singularity of his look.
When the ending scrolls on the screen, I refuse a third time, arguing he has to wake up tomorrow morning for school.
We’re changing in our own bathrooms but we don’t fight any more about the bed. We don’t even think about sleeping separately. Why should we?
But this very night, I’m seriously wondering if our tacit agreement can work? He turns and tosses in the bed unable to sleep and keeping me awake by the same occasion.
“What?”
“I’m too excited to sleep.”
“Because of the movie?”
“Yeah, I have so many ideas now. I think I have a storyline.”
I take advantage of it to try my luck.
“Why do you sign your drawings Nino?”
“That’s how my friends call me, it’s like a nickname.”
“But it’s your name.”
“My adoptive mother’s name, it’s a way for me to reappropriate it.”
“It’s pretty. I’d like to say ‘like your drawings’ but it would be so far from the truth.”
He turns the head brutally and I can read the angst on his face. I smile and roll on my side.
“Your drawings aren’t pretty, they are incredible. I’m in love, seriously. But you’re totally wrong.”
“What?”
“Informatics or economics? You have to study Art. You’re a great artist, you know, I’m moved to meet a genius for the first time.”
“Lay down on your back, please.”
I obey and he nestles against me, hiding his face at the crook of my neck. I sense his cute smile on my skin. I pat the back of his head.
“Now sleep or you won’t be able to hear the alarm tomorrow.”
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
The sun is up and he’s still against me. Usually our nights begin this way but quickly, we move in a corner of the bed to be at ease.
But his hand is on my naked stomach and his leg is on my thighs. He clings on me like a koala would do but this is not this sensation which wakes me up.
It’s rather the awaking of another part of my anatomy, shut until now by the alcohol and the moral anaesthesia.
I raise the blanket to be sure I’m not dreaming and my sweat pants are misshaped by a solid bulge. What the fuck…if he notices…
I move the most gently possible and avoid any contact with my virility. For his own good and for mine. I don’t want to shock him and I don’t want to aggravate my already advanced state.
I stride to the bathroom and take off my clothes, turning on the water.
I hesitate.
Warm or cold? I refrain my desire or unleash it? It’s been so long, several months of abstinence, forgetting even the sensations of having an erection.
Shit.
I don’t change the temperature and my heart beats fast. Giving up to a desire I thought forgotten is a huge step forward.
The warm water flows on my body and I close my eyes, sliding a hand to my lower belly. What should I imagine? Who? It won’t work with an empty mind and it begins to hurt.
I decide to wrap my hand around my shaft and the relief I feel tears me away a moan of pleasure.
I chase away my wife’s image, it’s inappropriate in such circumstances and Aiko pops in my mind. She’s the only woman who had picked my curiosity, the only woman I could have date in another situation.
She kneels before me, her pulpous lips parted and she says she wants me.
I take the time to remind what my body forgot, enjoying the sensation. I’m marvel to figure out I still can feel the envy. I stiff in the hollow of my palm and the water is mixed with the first drops of precum, easing my to-and-fro movements. My heart skips a beat when she takes me in her mouth, showing me how much she likes it. I put a hand on the hot tiles of the shower and fast my pace, feeling my stomach twisting with the urge of my climax. I moan louder.
“Are you ill?”
A knock at the door and I freeze.
“Satoshi are you ill?”
If I wasn’t so preoccupied, I’d smile. He said my name for the first time. I try to breathe slowly in order to answer almost normally.
“I’m fine, I’m under the shower.”
“I hear strange noises and you weren’t in bed, I freaked out.”
I tense on the last erratic movements, sensing my semen spurting on the black tiles, soiling it with my milky seed.
“Satoshi?”
I catch my breath for several long minutes then grip the shower head to erase the evidences of my crime.
I wash myself and put a towel around my waist, I feel so light suddenly. I forgot how much an orgasm could appease body and soul, I’m so serene.
I open the door and he’s here, sat on the floor, his legs folded and his head resting on his knees.
He stands and hugs me strong.
“I’m wet…don’t hug me.”
“I thought you were ill, I was so afraid.”
“Nino.”
His heart beats fast against my chest and he raises his red gaze on me. I was about to say that we won’t share a bed anymore but seeing his desperate look, I swallow my words.
“I won’t leave you and nothing will happen to me.”
He smiles luminously and steps back, blushing as he notices finally I’m only wearing a towel.
“Sorry. I’m useless, you can’t even shower quietly.”
“Don’t mind.”
He turns tail and I hear him climbing down the stairs to cook the breakfast. It’s not a big deal, true. I like his attentions and the almost childish way he looks for mine, I even cherish his brat manners now.
I guess it’s the way families work?
=+=
It’s strange to wander all day long without precise goal. I have real holidays until my next work and I take advantage of it to set the house in order.
My first task is to take care of my workshop or rather…what it left of it.
I put things in order, clean and paint the walls to restart from scratches. I throw away the big curtains which maintained the room in the dark and he rediscovers with an agreeable surprise the huge bow window it hid. Wow. It’s pretty, decorated with outdated flowers drawings making its charm.
When the room is finally empty, after several days of hard and secret work, I stroll leisurely to my official equipment dealer.
I buy a work table and some tools more discreet but so useful.
I’m restless this evening when I wait Kazunari at school, I have hard time to repress my silly smile. I’m well hidden in my black car and he gets in, a smile adorning his lips.
“Nice day?”
“The head master congratulated me today. And…I ask to take the test for two Art universities.”
“Omedeto.” I mumble vaguely, starting the engine.
He’s vexed because I didn’t express the joy I feel but it’s on purpose. I want to preserve my effects. He cold shoulders me a bit and I wait the moment I’m cooking to ask.
“Nino, can you find a DVD for me in the workshop?”
“I’m hungry.”
“Obey and I’ll feed you.”
“Okayyyy. Which one?”
“You choose.”
He drags his feet and unlocks the door, then steps forward to turn on the light.
I join him to observe his reaction to my gift.
“You did this?”
“Hm.”
“Alone?”
“Yeah, all alone.”
He turns around suddenly and jumps in my arms. I’m happy to see him so enthusiastic and I squeeze him thigh but he steps back and looks at me straightforwardly.
His gaze is blurred as he slides his hand on the nape of my neck, making me chuckle idiotically.
“Thanks but…”
“But?!”
“I won’t work in the workshop. Not without you.”
I step back and glare at him. He doesn’t realize what he’s asking. I don’t want to, absolutely not and although, somehow, the idea to paint seduces me, I don’t possess the method to find a way to desire it again.
I run away and go back to my cooking.
“So, I guess I did everything for nothing.”
“Satoshi…”
“I can’t. I can’t force myself, it won’t work. The desire to paint died with Riko.”
He glares at me bitterly and closes the door of the workshop.
“I know what you will say.” I whisper as he sits before me.
“Do tell me. I can’t wait to hear what I have to say.”
“That she isn’t worth it, right? Don’t take the pain to be insulting, it won’t change the way I feel about her.”
“How you felt. Past time.”
“I still feel the same about her.”
“Open your fucking eyes!!”
He’s angry and frustrated. I’d like for him to stop blaming his mother. She’s dead but she didn’t abandon him. The only solution is to tell him again and again what wonderful woman she was.
“I go up there.” He groans and turns his heel.
“Wait! I cooked for you and…”
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
I do my best to not run after him and drag him by the collar until his plate. I don’t want to give up to despite. As a matter of fact I didn’t expect this turn of event but I’ll have my revenge. He’ll sleep alone tonight and it’s more than enough.
I put his plate in the fridge and fetch my phone to find an evening to invite my favourite loving birds.
I die to spend an evening with Jun, it’s been ages.
The previous day, I tell it to Nino and he’s kind enough to seem satisfied. He keeps on defying me about the workshop and I can only wait and see. One day, he will feel like working in the best conditions ever.
This afternoon I buy a stock of grocery and a lot of beer. I improved my skills in cooking and I can’t wait to see Jun’s face when he will taste my meal.
He’s the first to arrive and we’re taking the time to sip a beer. I show him the workshop.
I suppose he will understand Nino’s behaviour better than I do, I wait for his expertise.
“He’s right.”
“Hm?!”
“If you paint again, it will mean you finally accept to move on.”
“It’s too early.”
“So how many time? It’s been more than 6 months, Satoshi, it’s more than your marital life.”
“What’s the link between human relationship and mathematics?”
“I don’t ask you to forget her, but you have the right to desire an adult life.”
“What do you mean by adult life? Find someone?”
“Amongst other things.”
“I have Nino, I don’t need anyone else.”
“You…?! Nino is your pupil; it has nothing to do with a love life.”
“That’s not what I mean. I’m simply saying that he gives me the affection I need currently. What?”
“Nothing…you know he met Sho at the hospital?”
“No, I don’t. For the results?”
“I don’t know, Sho didn’t tell me, but they talked. A lot. He found him a bit lost, I think.”
“He just lost his mother, no wonder.”
“There’s more than that Satoshi.”
“More?”
“We’ll talk later, Sho is here.”
Seeing Nino laughing with Sho as they are passing the threshold, Jun throws me a gaze like “I told you there’s something fishy.” And kisses his lover.
“You were together?”
“We met in the street.” Says Nino, shaking Jun’s hand before kissing my cheek.
The evening goes smoothly yet I can’t help but think about what Jun told me. I’d like to know why he talked with Sho and above all why he hid it to me.
“How did you meet the both of you?”
We’re around the low table, a beer in the hand (except Nino because I forbid him alcohol) when he ask the question he has in mind. Sho smirks and Jun puts a hand on his tight to answer.
“We met in high school.”
“True? Was it love at first sight?”
“I ignored you were so romantic.” I cut him but he slaps my hand.
“Jun was…pretty straight.” Answers Sho. “I had hard time to have him.”
“You had hard time? I did everything! You simply turned your back to me and left the town after kissing me!”
“Seeing like that, obviously I’m the one to blame. But to answer to your question, no, it wasn’t love at first sight. We learnt to love each other. Even if I learnt several years before him.”
“It’s better this way.” Beams Kazunari.
“It’s better this way.” Smiles Sho.
“One day, you’ll meet a pretty girl, Nino. I remember you’re very talented to…seduce them.”
“Leave him alone Satoshi, he’s embarrassed.”
True, he seems to be mortified. I wonder what I did wrong once again, I lost the habits to drink now and it’s time for me to stop.
“When will you work?” Jun helps me like always.
“Monday, on a drama. I have a second role and the next month, the promo for the movie. My manager already sent me a list of shows…”
“You sound to be so happy…” He smiles ironically.
“The good thing is that I’ll see the staff of the movie again. The bad…all the rest, I suppose.”
Sho’s noisy snore cuts me. Jun smiles apologetically.
“Sorry, he just ended his shift.”
“Don’t mind, you should put him in bed. You can choose the bedroom you want, you drank a bit, you can’t drive.”
“Sure?”
“Of course, I’ll prepare a bed and two pyjamas.”
Nino follows me and we’re preparing the bed of the biggest guest room. A few minutes later, Jun pushes a sleepy Sho on the bed and rapidly begins to undress him.
“He’s really heavy.”
“We can help you.”
“Don’t! Go to bed, I’ll take care of him.”
“Okay, good night.”
I close the door behind and clean the living room before going to bed.
Exiting the bathroom, I walk to Nino’s bedroom, leaning against the frame door.
He looks up and smiles to me.
“They are in bed?”
“Hearing those snores, no doubt about it. I can’t believe Jun can sleep beside him.”
“You snore too.”
“I don’t!”
“You do. But I don’t mind. It was nice, you know, tonight.”
“It’s been a long time. Nino?”
“Yeah?”
“Jun told me you met Sho.”
“A bit, yeah when I retrieved my results.”
“That’s all?”
“Once or twice maybe…I like him, he’s very interesting.”
“True, but you should have told me.”
“Why?”
“Don’t know, because Sho is a friend? Because we tell things to each other, right?”
“Certainly.”
He whirls around to his desk and closes his pens then stands. I go to the bedroom, not convinced by his laconic answer but he’s so stubborn. If he refuses to talk, I can only give up. Everybody has a secret garden.
I lie down and he joins me soon after.
“I’ll whistle if you snore.” He laughs and turns off the light.
“I don’t snore.”
“Good, I won’t have to whistle…”
“Good night.”
“’Night.”
I close my eyes and falls into a deep sleep.
When I perceive the sunlight behind my eyelids, I smile instinctively. I slept like a log and I know why.
Against my back, Nino put his arm around my waist, his warm cheek resting softly between my shoulder blades. I caress his hand and squeeze it thigh, pulling him closer. He doesn’t protest and let me do. That’s the reason why I can smile.
I open my eyes brutally, feeling a gaze on me and I can barely repress a jerk.
“Jun? What are you doing here? You scared me to death.”
“Sho left for work, that’s why I wanted to see you and when I tried to wake up Kazunari for school, he wasn’t in his bed. I know why.”
He wears this reproachful look which wakes me up definitely. Delicately I take off Nino’s hand of my belly and get out of the bed, dragging Jun behind.
I pour two mugs of coffee and wait for the lecture. I guess I won’t wait for long, according his gloomy face.
I hand him his mug and take mine.
“Satoshi, be honest. Do you have sex with Kazunari?”
“W….What?! Of course not! Are you nuts?”
He sighs with relief and puts his forehead on his arms, then straightens. He gazes at me as if I was a total lunatic.
“I found you in the same bed, spooning, hugging, what can I conclude?”
“I don’t know…that you see evil everywhere? We’re sleeping together that’s all. After Riko’s death it helped us to sleep.”
“According my recollection, you hated each other after Riko’s death. And you slept together?”
“Yeah, more or less.”
“And for the record, I don’t see evil everywhere but if you’d barge in my bedroom, that’s how you’d found us, Sho and I, and we’re lovers.”
“And we aren’t. It has nothing to do.”
“Okay, why not…and Kazunari?”
“Kazunari what?”
“It’s normal for him, no ulterior motives?”
“Obviously.”
“You talked about it?”
“What for?”
“Satoshi…you’re so useless. He’s a man, not a boy. What if, one morning, you wake up with a morning glory in the pants, what will you do? Pretending there’s nothing wrong and keep on sleeping into each other’s arms?”
“…”
“It…it already happened?”
“My morning glory stories are none of your business.”
“Perfect. But find a girl. Because your abstinence combined to those nights of cuddle, it’s dangerous. He’s very cute.”
“Stop it already. I don’t want a girlfriend, or mistress and our relationship is very clear.”
“So why didn’t you tell us if it’s clear and without ulterior motives?”
“…”
“It’s for your own good, Toshi. If you really think I died to talk about your sexual life during breakfast you’re totally wrong.”
“My lack of sexual life.”
“It’s far worse. Find a girl! The actress of your movie…you like her, right?”
“No, she likes me.”
“So? Go!”
“I don’t want Jun.”
“Go. Or I can find one for you. I meet models all day long; I can find one you’d like. I know your type.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“And about Kazunari, if you want my advice, stop sharing a bed.”
“I’ll think about it too.”
“You’ll think about what?”
We jerk in unison, like two conspirators, seeing Nino in uniform reaching the kitchen island.
“Nothing in particular.” I moan.
He’s behind me and grabbing a piece of bread kisses my neck. Jun rolls his eyes at me and I shrug to push Nino away.
But he sits surreptitiously and eats.
“I wondered where you were, when I woke up you were nowhere to be found.”
Fuck. He’s really going too far. Okay, there’s nothing to hide but he said this on purpose. Jun is boiling and I feel bad. But Nino is perfectly fine.
“You’ll drive me at school, Jun-kun?”
“Sure. And you.” Jun points me “Think about our discussion and do what you have to do.”
“Promise, I’ll~”
“Think about it, I get it.”
I nod and clean the kitchen. I spend the day with my parents and fish with my father. It helps me to think over.
When Kazunari comes back home, I made up my mind.
We eat quietly and when we sit on the couch to watch a movie, I keep my distance. He doesn’t look at me but crawls to me and puts his head on my shoulder. I push him gently and go to the kitchen pouring a cup of tea. I sit back, far from him but he follows me.
“Stop Nino.”
“Stop what?”
“Touching me. I’m not your dog…and certainly not your boyfriend.”
It’s harsh but I can’t do differently. I’ve never been talkative; I’m not used to be cautious. He smirks and hangs the head.
“So…it means you don’t want to sleep with me from now?”
I nod.
“Why?” His voice is husky.
“Because it’s time for us to find back our life. We can’t mourn endlessly, we have to face~”
“It’s Jun, right?”
“Jun?”
“Because he saw us this morning.”
“You were awake?”
“And what if?”
“You should have said something.”
“What’s the problem? We don’t owe him anything; we do what we want to do.”
“We don’t! We’re not alone in the world. And when…when you’ll find a girlfriend, when I’ll find a wife, what will we do? She’ll join us?”
I hurt him again and again and I blame myself although I’m convinced I’m right. I lulled myself until now with some vague egotist pretexts to find comfort but I have to free him.
“Nino…it doesn’t mean I blame you or I don’t like you. It means that we’re moving on, that’s all.”
He frowns meanly.
“You know nothing and you try to respect a fucking normality to keep good conscience. Do you want news? The flock isn’t always right!”
“I’m talking about us, not about the rest of the world.”
“So keep talking alone, I don’t buy your fucking bullshits.”
He’s mad at me but I begin to be used to it. I expected it as a matter of fact. He’s like a hedgehog curled into himself, stinging when he feels attacked.
It’s hard to swallow, I get it.
And for me, it’s far more difficult.
TBC....
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari, Sho Sakurai/Matsumoto Jun
Rating : From PG to NC-17
Summary : Ohno Satoshi, young and promising actor just lost his wife in a car crash, an actress twice his age. She entrusted him his son, Kazunari, his worst intimate enemy.
CHAPTER 3
During the following weeks, I drive him at school each day and do my best to be here at the end of the courses too. I call his head master once a week to double-check and I see the end of the movie coming apprehensively.
I already have a project for the next month yet I can’t help but freaking out. This movie has been my lifebuoy after Riko’s death and I fear the loss of my so fragile balance.
I count the days and do my best in spite of everything.
Yet, when a whinny Aiko offers me a huge bouquet after the last scene shooting, I can’t feel anything else than the satisfaction of achievement. By ending this movie, I have the feeling to have won a battle against the ghost of the depression, to have been able to prove to myself that I could do my work whatever the situation could be.
And that eventually life goes on.
“I’m sad to say goodbye to the staff.” Says Aiko as she hugs me, the big bouquet between us.
“Don’t worry, it’s a small world, you’ll see them on your next movies.”
“I hope so. I hope we’ll meet again, the both of us.”
“For the promo, you’ll see me so much you won’t be able to stand my view anymore.”
“I doubt of it.”
“Of what?”
“To be able to get bored of you.”
I feel idiotic, especially because she has this strange way to look at me. This so revealing shyness. I feel idiotic because she surprises me and because it doesn’t touch me at all. I could say I won’t ever fall in love because the only woman I want is six feet under, that I can’t imagine sharing someone else’s bed, but I don’t want to embarrass her so I smile as if I didn’t get the allusion.
It’s better this way.
We take a drink with the staff and when I go back home, Kazunari is waiting for me.
“Okaeri.”
“Tadaima.”
“So? This last day?”
He’s sitting in my bedroom, searching for papers and I sigh with relief when I see the work he achieved. I could kiss his feet for this.
“Better than I thought.”
“Did you drink?”
“One glass with the staff, I had to.”
“Don’t worry, I understand.”
“But I didn’t eat; I said someone was waiting for me at home.”
“Order something if you want. I follow you.” He answers without raising his gaze from the stack of paper.
“Okay.”
I fetch our usual list of meals on wheels and stop at the third line. A pizza will fit perfectly to the situation.
I fall on the couch and watch an nth episode of Dragon Ball Z I probably already saw thousand times.
“Here.”
I raise my gaze and take the big folder he hands me.
“What’s this?”
“My drawings. I have to warn you, you’re the first to see them.”
“…I’ll take care of them. Thanks.”
He smiles to hide his trouble. I know it’s hard to expose his soul this way and I’m grateful for the effort he makes to comfort me. He should dread that the end of the movie could undo me.
I untie the knots around the folder and for a second I wonder what will be my reaction if it’s bad. I chase away my doubts, I’m an actor after all, I’ll give my best shot.
But discovering the first sketch I fall in love.
Like the first time I read a manga of Tezuka-sensei, like the first time I watched a Ghibli’s anime. Two kids are holding hands, a boy with aviator glasses on the forehead, an ironic smirk adorning his face and a smaller one wearing a cap in animal shape.
At their feet, two words are scribbled ‘Shiro’ and ‘Kuro’.
Cautiously, I put the pages on the low table and take the next one, my hand trembling with emotion.
It’s a humongous clock, figuring a kind of Hindu God half man-half elephant, dominating the town from the roof of a devastated building.
Then some shady dirty streets decorated by flashy colours, tired and jaded men, and two scary guys looking like robots with sabres…
I take a glance at him and he’s nibbling his thumb nervously.
How can he fear my opinion? He’s a pure genius.
“Do tell me.”
He sits next to me.
“I don’t really have a storyline for now, simply that universe in mind.”
“Who are Shiro and Kuro?”
“Two kids living in the streets. At first, you could think that Kuro takes care of Shiro. He’s the taller and Shiro sounds to be a bit…air-headed. But actually, Shiro is Kuro’s balance; he’s the only reason for him to keep his sanity.”
“And them?”
“Cops. They are philosophe and nuanced. Like them, the yakuzas. There are no villains or heroes. Not really.”
“You mean that the children have to be together to be well-balanced and the adults are nuanced?”
“Nuanced, I don’t know. Shiro and Kuro are like two side of the same person. The adults are a whole.”
“And…it will be a manga?”
“If I find a story, why not?”
A sudden inspiration makes me run to my workshop to fetch an old dusty DVD. I show him.
“You know this?”
“Le Roi et l’Oiseau? Not at all. It’s Japanese? »
« French. But this anime is the one which inspired Miyazaki. He drew each part of this anime one drawing after another when he was young. That gave him the inspiration to become the man he’s now. Let’s watch it?”
“Why not.”
He’s sceptical, he doesn’t know what to expect, but seeing his sketches, I’m pretty sure that this anime will pull the trigger for him, just like it did for Miyazaki.
I put the DVD on the giant screen of the living room and let its magic do the rest. I saw it thousands times but each time it’s like the first. That words, this absurdity, this poetry everywhere, in each drawing, each movements, each scene and interactions…
He doesn’t even move when the errand guy delivers the pizza, not when I put a piece of it into his mouth.
When the movie ends on the image of the giant robot protecting a flower that so many animes reproduced after, he stands still, struck by the lightning like I was years ago.
“So? You like it?”
“He did everything by himself? All alone?”
“Yeah, all alone, during 20 years. This is a lifetime work.”
“Can we watch it again?”
He has those puppy eyes I can’t resist.
“Okay.”
I grab the zapper and put on the movie again while he turns off the lights and nestle against me. I put my arm on the back of the couch and he rests his head on my knees, sliding his hands between his thighs. I caress brush his hair and I could swear hearing him mewling with pleasure as he catches a blanket. This time, we’re commenting it. We’re analysing the images and I figure out how much he can notice things I didn’t see, he absorbs the movie and I’m stunned by his cleverness. I always knew he was smart but he hid very skilfully his brilliantness, the singularity of his look.
When the ending scrolls on the screen, I refuse a third time, arguing he has to wake up tomorrow morning for school.
We’re changing in our own bathrooms but we don’t fight any more about the bed. We don’t even think about sleeping separately. Why should we?
But this very night, I’m seriously wondering if our tacit agreement can work? He turns and tosses in the bed unable to sleep and keeping me awake by the same occasion.
“What?”
“I’m too excited to sleep.”
“Because of the movie?”
“Yeah, I have so many ideas now. I think I have a storyline.”
I take advantage of it to try my luck.
“Why do you sign your drawings Nino?”
“That’s how my friends call me, it’s like a nickname.”
“But it’s your name.”
“My adoptive mother’s name, it’s a way for me to reappropriate it.”
“It’s pretty. I’d like to say ‘like your drawings’ but it would be so far from the truth.”
He turns the head brutally and I can read the angst on his face. I smile and roll on my side.
“Your drawings aren’t pretty, they are incredible. I’m in love, seriously. But you’re totally wrong.”
“What?”
“Informatics or economics? You have to study Art. You’re a great artist, you know, I’m moved to meet a genius for the first time.”
“Lay down on your back, please.”
I obey and he nestles against me, hiding his face at the crook of my neck. I sense his cute smile on my skin. I pat the back of his head.
“Now sleep or you won’t be able to hear the alarm tomorrow.”
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
The sun is up and he’s still against me. Usually our nights begin this way but quickly, we move in a corner of the bed to be at ease.
But his hand is on my naked stomach and his leg is on my thighs. He clings on me like a koala would do but this is not this sensation which wakes me up.
It’s rather the awaking of another part of my anatomy, shut until now by the alcohol and the moral anaesthesia.
I raise the blanket to be sure I’m not dreaming and my sweat pants are misshaped by a solid bulge. What the fuck…if he notices…
I move the most gently possible and avoid any contact with my virility. For his own good and for mine. I don’t want to shock him and I don’t want to aggravate my already advanced state.
I stride to the bathroom and take off my clothes, turning on the water.
I hesitate.
Warm or cold? I refrain my desire or unleash it? It’s been so long, several months of abstinence, forgetting even the sensations of having an erection.
Shit.
I don’t change the temperature and my heart beats fast. Giving up to a desire I thought forgotten is a huge step forward.
The warm water flows on my body and I close my eyes, sliding a hand to my lower belly. What should I imagine? Who? It won’t work with an empty mind and it begins to hurt.
I decide to wrap my hand around my shaft and the relief I feel tears me away a moan of pleasure.
I chase away my wife’s image, it’s inappropriate in such circumstances and Aiko pops in my mind. She’s the only woman who had picked my curiosity, the only woman I could have date in another situation.
She kneels before me, her pulpous lips parted and she says she wants me.
I take the time to remind what my body forgot, enjoying the sensation. I’m marvel to figure out I still can feel the envy. I stiff in the hollow of my palm and the water is mixed with the first drops of precum, easing my to-and-fro movements. My heart skips a beat when she takes me in her mouth, showing me how much she likes it. I put a hand on the hot tiles of the shower and fast my pace, feeling my stomach twisting with the urge of my climax. I moan louder.
“Are you ill?”
A knock at the door and I freeze.
“Satoshi are you ill?”
If I wasn’t so preoccupied, I’d smile. He said my name for the first time. I try to breathe slowly in order to answer almost normally.
“I’m fine, I’m under the shower.”
“I hear strange noises and you weren’t in bed, I freaked out.”
I tense on the last erratic movements, sensing my semen spurting on the black tiles, soiling it with my milky seed.
“Satoshi?”
I catch my breath for several long minutes then grip the shower head to erase the evidences of my crime.
I wash myself and put a towel around my waist, I feel so light suddenly. I forgot how much an orgasm could appease body and soul, I’m so serene.
I open the door and he’s here, sat on the floor, his legs folded and his head resting on his knees.
He stands and hugs me strong.
“I’m wet…don’t hug me.”
“I thought you were ill, I was so afraid.”
“Nino.”
His heart beats fast against my chest and he raises his red gaze on me. I was about to say that we won’t share a bed anymore but seeing his desperate look, I swallow my words.
“I won’t leave you and nothing will happen to me.”
He smiles luminously and steps back, blushing as he notices finally I’m only wearing a towel.
“Sorry. I’m useless, you can’t even shower quietly.”
“Don’t mind.”
He turns tail and I hear him climbing down the stairs to cook the breakfast. It’s not a big deal, true. I like his attentions and the almost childish way he looks for mine, I even cherish his brat manners now.
I guess it’s the way families work?
=+=
It’s strange to wander all day long without precise goal. I have real holidays until my next work and I take advantage of it to set the house in order.
My first task is to take care of my workshop or rather…what it left of it.
I put things in order, clean and paint the walls to restart from scratches. I throw away the big curtains which maintained the room in the dark and he rediscovers with an agreeable surprise the huge bow window it hid. Wow. It’s pretty, decorated with outdated flowers drawings making its charm.
When the room is finally empty, after several days of hard and secret work, I stroll leisurely to my official equipment dealer.
I buy a work table and some tools more discreet but so useful.
I’m restless this evening when I wait Kazunari at school, I have hard time to repress my silly smile. I’m well hidden in my black car and he gets in, a smile adorning his lips.
“Nice day?”
“The head master congratulated me today. And…I ask to take the test for two Art universities.”
“Omedeto.” I mumble vaguely, starting the engine.
He’s vexed because I didn’t express the joy I feel but it’s on purpose. I want to preserve my effects. He cold shoulders me a bit and I wait the moment I’m cooking to ask.
“Nino, can you find a DVD for me in the workshop?”
“I’m hungry.”
“Obey and I’ll feed you.”
“Okayyyy. Which one?”
“You choose.”
He drags his feet and unlocks the door, then steps forward to turn on the light.
I join him to observe his reaction to my gift.
“You did this?”
“Hm.”
“Alone?”
“Yeah, all alone.”
He turns around suddenly and jumps in my arms. I’m happy to see him so enthusiastic and I squeeze him thigh but he steps back and looks at me straightforwardly.
His gaze is blurred as he slides his hand on the nape of my neck, making me chuckle idiotically.
“Thanks but…”
“But?!”
“I won’t work in the workshop. Not without you.”
I step back and glare at him. He doesn’t realize what he’s asking. I don’t want to, absolutely not and although, somehow, the idea to paint seduces me, I don’t possess the method to find a way to desire it again.
I run away and go back to my cooking.
“So, I guess I did everything for nothing.”
“Satoshi…”
“I can’t. I can’t force myself, it won’t work. The desire to paint died with Riko.”
He glares at me bitterly and closes the door of the workshop.
“I know what you will say.” I whisper as he sits before me.
“Do tell me. I can’t wait to hear what I have to say.”
“That she isn’t worth it, right? Don’t take the pain to be insulting, it won’t change the way I feel about her.”
“How you felt. Past time.”
“I still feel the same about her.”
“Open your fucking eyes!!”
He’s angry and frustrated. I’d like for him to stop blaming his mother. She’s dead but she didn’t abandon him. The only solution is to tell him again and again what wonderful woman she was.
“I go up there.” He groans and turns his heel.
“Wait! I cooked for you and…”
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
I do my best to not run after him and drag him by the collar until his plate. I don’t want to give up to despite. As a matter of fact I didn’t expect this turn of event but I’ll have my revenge. He’ll sleep alone tonight and it’s more than enough.
I put his plate in the fridge and fetch my phone to find an evening to invite my favourite loving birds.
I die to spend an evening with Jun, it’s been ages.
The previous day, I tell it to Nino and he’s kind enough to seem satisfied. He keeps on defying me about the workshop and I can only wait and see. One day, he will feel like working in the best conditions ever.
This afternoon I buy a stock of grocery and a lot of beer. I improved my skills in cooking and I can’t wait to see Jun’s face when he will taste my meal.
He’s the first to arrive and we’re taking the time to sip a beer. I show him the workshop.
I suppose he will understand Nino’s behaviour better than I do, I wait for his expertise.
“He’s right.”
“Hm?!”
“If you paint again, it will mean you finally accept to move on.”
“It’s too early.”
“So how many time? It’s been more than 6 months, Satoshi, it’s more than your marital life.”
“What’s the link between human relationship and mathematics?”
“I don’t ask you to forget her, but you have the right to desire an adult life.”
“What do you mean by adult life? Find someone?”
“Amongst other things.”
“I have Nino, I don’t need anyone else.”
“You…?! Nino is your pupil; it has nothing to do with a love life.”
“That’s not what I mean. I’m simply saying that he gives me the affection I need currently. What?”
“Nothing…you know he met Sho at the hospital?”
“No, I don’t. For the results?”
“I don’t know, Sho didn’t tell me, but they talked. A lot. He found him a bit lost, I think.”
“He just lost his mother, no wonder.”
“There’s more than that Satoshi.”
“More?”
“We’ll talk later, Sho is here.”
Seeing Nino laughing with Sho as they are passing the threshold, Jun throws me a gaze like “I told you there’s something fishy.” And kisses his lover.
“You were together?”
“We met in the street.” Says Nino, shaking Jun’s hand before kissing my cheek.
The evening goes smoothly yet I can’t help but think about what Jun told me. I’d like to know why he talked with Sho and above all why he hid it to me.
“How did you meet the both of you?”
We’re around the low table, a beer in the hand (except Nino because I forbid him alcohol) when he ask the question he has in mind. Sho smirks and Jun puts a hand on his tight to answer.
“We met in high school.”
“True? Was it love at first sight?”
“I ignored you were so romantic.” I cut him but he slaps my hand.
“Jun was…pretty straight.” Answers Sho. “I had hard time to have him.”
“You had hard time? I did everything! You simply turned your back to me and left the town after kissing me!”
“Seeing like that, obviously I’m the one to blame. But to answer to your question, no, it wasn’t love at first sight. We learnt to love each other. Even if I learnt several years before him.”
“It’s better this way.” Beams Kazunari.
“It’s better this way.” Smiles Sho.
“One day, you’ll meet a pretty girl, Nino. I remember you’re very talented to…seduce them.”
“Leave him alone Satoshi, he’s embarrassed.”
True, he seems to be mortified. I wonder what I did wrong once again, I lost the habits to drink now and it’s time for me to stop.
“When will you work?” Jun helps me like always.
“Monday, on a drama. I have a second role and the next month, the promo for the movie. My manager already sent me a list of shows…”
“You sound to be so happy…” He smiles ironically.
“The good thing is that I’ll see the staff of the movie again. The bad…all the rest, I suppose.”
Sho’s noisy snore cuts me. Jun smiles apologetically.
“Sorry, he just ended his shift.”
“Don’t mind, you should put him in bed. You can choose the bedroom you want, you drank a bit, you can’t drive.”
“Sure?”
“Of course, I’ll prepare a bed and two pyjamas.”
Nino follows me and we’re preparing the bed of the biggest guest room. A few minutes later, Jun pushes a sleepy Sho on the bed and rapidly begins to undress him.
“He’s really heavy.”
“We can help you.”
“Don’t! Go to bed, I’ll take care of him.”
“Okay, good night.”
I close the door behind and clean the living room before going to bed.
Exiting the bathroom, I walk to Nino’s bedroom, leaning against the frame door.
He looks up and smiles to me.
“They are in bed?”
“Hearing those snores, no doubt about it. I can’t believe Jun can sleep beside him.”
“You snore too.”
“I don’t!”
“You do. But I don’t mind. It was nice, you know, tonight.”
“It’s been a long time. Nino?”
“Yeah?”
“Jun told me you met Sho.”
“A bit, yeah when I retrieved my results.”
“That’s all?”
“Once or twice maybe…I like him, he’s very interesting.”
“True, but you should have told me.”
“Why?”
“Don’t know, because Sho is a friend? Because we tell things to each other, right?”
“Certainly.”
He whirls around to his desk and closes his pens then stands. I go to the bedroom, not convinced by his laconic answer but he’s so stubborn. If he refuses to talk, I can only give up. Everybody has a secret garden.
I lie down and he joins me soon after.
“I’ll whistle if you snore.” He laughs and turns off the light.
“I don’t snore.”
“Good, I won’t have to whistle…”
“Good night.”
“’Night.”
I close my eyes and falls into a deep sleep.
When I perceive the sunlight behind my eyelids, I smile instinctively. I slept like a log and I know why.
Against my back, Nino put his arm around my waist, his warm cheek resting softly between my shoulder blades. I caress his hand and squeeze it thigh, pulling him closer. He doesn’t protest and let me do. That’s the reason why I can smile.
I open my eyes brutally, feeling a gaze on me and I can barely repress a jerk.
“Jun? What are you doing here? You scared me to death.”
“Sho left for work, that’s why I wanted to see you and when I tried to wake up Kazunari for school, he wasn’t in his bed. I know why.”
He wears this reproachful look which wakes me up definitely. Delicately I take off Nino’s hand of my belly and get out of the bed, dragging Jun behind.
I pour two mugs of coffee and wait for the lecture. I guess I won’t wait for long, according his gloomy face.
I hand him his mug and take mine.
“Satoshi, be honest. Do you have sex with Kazunari?”
“W….What?! Of course not! Are you nuts?”
He sighs with relief and puts his forehead on his arms, then straightens. He gazes at me as if I was a total lunatic.
“I found you in the same bed, spooning, hugging, what can I conclude?”
“I don’t know…that you see evil everywhere? We’re sleeping together that’s all. After Riko’s death it helped us to sleep.”
“According my recollection, you hated each other after Riko’s death. And you slept together?”
“Yeah, more or less.”
“And for the record, I don’t see evil everywhere but if you’d barge in my bedroom, that’s how you’d found us, Sho and I, and we’re lovers.”
“And we aren’t. It has nothing to do.”
“Okay, why not…and Kazunari?”
“Kazunari what?”
“It’s normal for him, no ulterior motives?”
“Obviously.”
“You talked about it?”
“What for?”
“Satoshi…you’re so useless. He’s a man, not a boy. What if, one morning, you wake up with a morning glory in the pants, what will you do? Pretending there’s nothing wrong and keep on sleeping into each other’s arms?”
“…”
“It…it already happened?”
“My morning glory stories are none of your business.”
“Perfect. But find a girl. Because your abstinence combined to those nights of cuddle, it’s dangerous. He’s very cute.”
“Stop it already. I don’t want a girlfriend, or mistress and our relationship is very clear.”
“So why didn’t you tell us if it’s clear and without ulterior motives?”
“…”
“It’s for your own good, Toshi. If you really think I died to talk about your sexual life during breakfast you’re totally wrong.”
“My lack of sexual life.”
“It’s far worse. Find a girl! The actress of your movie…you like her, right?”
“No, she likes me.”
“So? Go!”
“I don’t want Jun.”
“Go. Or I can find one for you. I meet models all day long; I can find one you’d like. I know your type.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“And about Kazunari, if you want my advice, stop sharing a bed.”
“I’ll think about it too.”
“You’ll think about what?”
We jerk in unison, like two conspirators, seeing Nino in uniform reaching the kitchen island.
“Nothing in particular.” I moan.
He’s behind me and grabbing a piece of bread kisses my neck. Jun rolls his eyes at me and I shrug to push Nino away.
But he sits surreptitiously and eats.
“I wondered where you were, when I woke up you were nowhere to be found.”
Fuck. He’s really going too far. Okay, there’s nothing to hide but he said this on purpose. Jun is boiling and I feel bad. But Nino is perfectly fine.
“You’ll drive me at school, Jun-kun?”
“Sure. And you.” Jun points me “Think about our discussion and do what you have to do.”
“Promise, I’ll~”
“Think about it, I get it.”
I nod and clean the kitchen. I spend the day with my parents and fish with my father. It helps me to think over.
When Kazunari comes back home, I made up my mind.
We eat quietly and when we sit on the couch to watch a movie, I keep my distance. He doesn’t look at me but crawls to me and puts his head on my shoulder. I push him gently and go to the kitchen pouring a cup of tea. I sit back, far from him but he follows me.
“Stop Nino.”
“Stop what?”
“Touching me. I’m not your dog…and certainly not your boyfriend.”
It’s harsh but I can’t do differently. I’ve never been talkative; I’m not used to be cautious. He smirks and hangs the head.
“So…it means you don’t want to sleep with me from now?”
I nod.
“Why?” His voice is husky.
“Because it’s time for us to find back our life. We can’t mourn endlessly, we have to face~”
“It’s Jun, right?”
“Jun?”
“Because he saw us this morning.”
“You were awake?”
“And what if?”
“You should have said something.”
“What’s the problem? We don’t owe him anything; we do what we want to do.”
“We don’t! We’re not alone in the world. And when…when you’ll find a girlfriend, when I’ll find a wife, what will we do? She’ll join us?”
I hurt him again and again and I blame myself although I’m convinced I’m right. I lulled myself until now with some vague egotist pretexts to find comfort but I have to free him.
“Nino…it doesn’t mean I blame you or I don’t like you. It means that we’re moving on, that’s all.”
He frowns meanly.
“You know nothing and you try to respect a fucking normality to keep good conscience. Do you want news? The flock isn’t always right!”
“I’m talking about us, not about the rest of the world.”
“So keep talking alone, I don’t buy your fucking bullshits.”
He’s mad at me but I begin to be used to it. I expected it as a matter of fact. He’s like a hedgehog curled into himself, stinging when he feels attacked.
It’s hard to swallow, I get it.
And for me, it’s far more difficult.
TBC....
