Lights (OS)

[wendyjoly]

Title: Lights
Pairing: Yamapair, Sakumiya
Rating: PG
Summary: Inspired by the song “Lights” by Ellie Goulding and posted for the Jukebox Roulette
A/N: Lot of love to my lovely chibipinkpetals♥
Note : Posted for the Jukebox Roulette contest organized bymurasakinoyume






I don't need a lot of thing to get carried away when you're here. Your eyes, this sweet flourished soap smell, the strange way you point your finger on me when I try to fool you...everything is perfect in you. Perfect for me. I can be so cold and harsh with the rest of the world, I always thought you could see the best in me. The man I never found by myself.


I don't love you for this particular reason, I think that even if you hadn't loved me I would still love you deeply. Truly, madly, deeply. I don't know if you're aware of it, you who always saw the world as your playground, to do whatever you pleased. I don't get how you did it, with the life you had, to keep this look full of indulgence on everybody. Sometimes I hoped that your gentleness could make me understand this world.


I perfectly remember the first time we made love. I was terrorized at the idea to touch you, to soil the perfection you were for me; but you laughed without a care about my vexed and frustrated look because I couldn't understand you. Though, I don't know if I get you better now.


We're so different. I don't think that I'll deserve one day the love you've given me. I'm scared to death when I figure out that one day you will see me as I am: a hopeless pessimistic, an awful egotist, too weak to protect you.


I don't want to open my eyes even if I know that I'm already late, that everyone is waiting for me at the studio I want to keep my hand on your flank, holding you tight, breathing with full lungs your scent, be choked by it. I feel your warmth on the bed beside me.


I hear your soft laugh which wakes me up slowly. I reach out but you're not here anymore and I have to open my eyes to search for you.



"Satoshi?"



Suddenly I'm afraid that you could leave me without a goodbye. I rush out of the bed, my heart pounding madly in my chest and I sigh in relief when I finally meet your gaze. You're on the couch, wrapped on yourself like a cat, drawing something in this strange position.



"I called you, why didn't you answer?"


"Didn't hear you."


"Forget it, I just freaked out."


"Where could I be?"


"I don't know, it's not reasonable. I dreamnt about you; about us."


"Really? When were we?"


"When we met. We even made love."



You laugh out loud and I can't help that a smile falls wide on my lips as I pour myself a cup of coffee.



"Aren't you late?"


"Yep."


"Why didn't you set your alarm clock? I can't get this new habit you have to wake you up only when you slept enough."


"I like my dreams. I don't want to interrupt them."


"Perfect. And when you lose your job, you will be surely delighted...you need this job, not only for the money."


"I know, don't worry. Except my fanciful schedule, I do my best."


"So take your shower quickly..."


"Hai, Chief!"


"Hurry up, I already hear the phone call of the studio."



He's right, like always. I didn't leave my kitchen since 5 minutes that my mobile rings to tell me they are sending a car to wait for me. Apparently, my new schedule isn't fast enough for them. With a last smile to my lover and I get down as fast as I can.


The band of the day is already there and waits for me seriously, freaking out like schoolboys on the first day of school. I have a bad reputation but I don't care, I assume it fully. It is part of my role as a music producer, I have to ask for perfection even if I have to terrorize the artists to have it. I like seeing the bands growing, changing at my contact, hating me sometimes, but getting better always.

I could almost chuckle when I see their frightened look. I have the feeling to be the devil...if Satoshi could see me right now.


Days are flying by very quickly into the studio walls. It's my house since so many years that I could assert to spend more time here than at home. I don't take my lunch with my colleagues; I take my sit at the table where we met, like every day.



=+=



At that time, I was not producer, just a pretty skilled trainee recorder engineer, spotted as I was a university student by the president of the company. I was terrified and not self-confident, afraid that someone notices that I was out-of-place here, a kind of impostor. I tried to hide my embarrassment behind a proud look and a rapper outfit. A New-York cap, a baggy pair of jean and a vest with my sleeves raised up, funny when I think of it now.



"Are you new here?"



I raised my gaze on the guy who was speaking to me so clearly.



"Excuse me."



I stood up, thinking I borrowed someone else's place and you put your hand on my arm, as if it was something natural to touch a perfect stranger. I don't remember if it bothered me, but somehow, I thought that I was exposed.



"No, that's not what I meant, it's just that I never saw you here. Nice to meet you, I'm Ohno. Satoshi. And you are?"


"Sakurai Sho. I'm a trainee here."



I was about to put my earphone back, but you sat in front of me, boldly and I knew then, that I wouldn't be able to refuse you anything.



"What are you doing? Seeing your outfit I guess you're in the recording studio."


"I'm student as recorder engineering, but I hope to be a producer one day."



Come to think of it, it was rather easy to talk to you, even though back then I was not so sure as to why I talked to you so easily about my hidden ambition. It was not the kind of thing I could say to my family or to my internship referent and I didn't have any friends. All my life was devoted to music.



"Ohh, I see."



You smiled to me brightly as if you were impressed and I chuckle idiotically.



"And you?"


"I work here, at the cafeteria."


"And?"


"And? And nothing."


"Okay..."



I found it strange that a guy, young as you were, could find it normal to have no other purpose in life than to be waiter in a company cafeteria. What a moron I was at that time.



"Would you accept to go out with me?"


"I beg your pardon?"


"I like you. Would you accept to go out with me?"



You killed me with your shameless proposition and your charming smile. I didn't answer immediately.


I waited until the next day to accept.



=+=





"Ohayo, Sho-kun!"


She's probably the only person who doesn't give me the usual Sakurai-san...but she knows me since my very first day, I guess it's normal.



"Hi, Ba-chan. How are you today? And your rheumatism?"


"Better, the weather is not so rainy anymore. And your leg?"


"Same as you, I guess." I slightly knock my rigid knee and the cane I lean against the table.


"True! I find you better recently!"


"You do? That's because I decided to forget the alarm clock, I go out of my bed when I slept enough."



She laughs out loud and I sense the gazes on us. People don't often laugh with me, I know it too well.



"I guess that if I do that kind of thing, I would be fired, whatever my age could be."


"You should ask someone to help you."


"...I don't really want, you know. Since Satoshi is gone, I don't want anyone. It's idiotic, isn't it?"



I know. I put my hand on hers and she smiles tenderly. She pats my head and goes back to work.



"Sakurai-san?"



I was about to drink my coffee but I stop. I raise my gaze on the man next to me, one of this guys who was at the studio early. He looks like a student with his big leather bag on his shoulder.



"Excuse me, I didn't want to disturb your lunch, I know your time is precious and~"


"Go to the point. Quickly please."


"I would like to know if you could help me. You hear me in the studio and if you could give me some tips..."


"Ninomiya, isn't it?"


"Yes, Sakurai-san."


"Did you sign a contract with the company?"


" I did."


"So why would you need my advices?"


"I'm afraid to disappoint you."



He sounds to be cunny. Cute and cunny. I wonder if there's only flattery in this request. Is he trying to seduce me to gain some favour inside the company? A solo recording for example? In this world, it's more than usual.



"You just have to work hard. That's the only advice I can give to you."


"But~"


"I'm eating, Ninomiya-kun."



He seems to be disappointed and ashamed but I don't want to take advantage of any of the artist I'm working with, it's against all my principles. Plus...he's good. He doesn't need me.


I go back home by the beginning of the evening and this day was too long, my leg hurts like Hell.



"Okaeri."


"Tadaima."



I take off my shoes quickly and fall in my armchair. I grab the antiphlogistic ointment and massage my knee full of scars.



"Does it hurt?"


"Why didn't you see the physiotherapist?"


"I didn't have a minute for myself, yet I dreamt about it, I swear! How was your day?"


"The same routine. I looked at the TV, I read the manga you bought me and I drew."




His sad look breaks my heart, I know he's not so happy.



"I'm gonna take some days off, if you wish..."


"Out of the question! Go work, you need it."


"Satoshi...I need you and nothing else."


"I...I don't know. I know what you feel, what's in your mind, but you have to pull yourself together."


"I'm perfectly self-controlled."


"That's not what I meant. I'm saying that, perhaps, you should see someone...to talk."


"Talk about what?"


"About you, about me."


"Whom?"



I don't get what he's looking for. I see his gaze on the phone book, opened at the doctor's pages.



"Oh, no, no, out of question."


"You need it, Sho! We can't keep on like this!"


"Listen, I know you're not happy...currently. Since a moment."


"Since two years! Two long years, Sho."


"I don't want to talk about it, end of the story."



I stand up and go to the kitchen to cook the meal.



"Today, a singer asked me to help him."



I try to distract him but I can't help but noticing his pout and his closed look. It's so far from him, that I blame myself much more. If I could do differently...



"He asked you to go out?"



I smirk because my strategy worked. He sits on the table behind me.



"I don't know. I rejected him, as always."


"It's idiotic, maybe is he a good man."


"Maybe. Whatever."


"You should call him."


"Are you out of mind? I have the feeling that you're pushing me into his arms!"


"Why not? I mean, it sounds crazy, but you never thought it could help you, to see another man?"


"I love you and only you."


"I know but~"


"You're the only one I want."



He hangs the head and goes back to the living room. I feel suddenly so guilty.



"Wait!"


"What?"


"This doctor...if you want it so much, I accept to see him."


"Thanks Sho."



The evening goes smoothly and being with the man I love is enough to appease the pain of my knee.



When I wake up the next day, Satoshi points my mobile and I have no other choice but to dial the first number on the list. Unfortunately he gives me an appointment for the next day...that's my luck.


But at least, Satoshi is glad.


Ninomiya doesn't ask me anything but he keeps his eyes on me constantly. Obviously, he's very talented. He sings like no one else and in the middle of the band, he stands out almost despite himself.

When I go to the parking the next evening, dragging my feet to the appointment with this doctor, he's leaning against my car's door. I stare at him, not really gently, and he steps aside immediately. I open my door.



"Sakurai-san!"



I look at him annoyed as he reaches out, a CD in the hand.



"I was wondering if you would accept to~"


"Again? You're wondering a lot of things."


I close my door and grab the CD.


"What's this?"


"Some songs I wrote. Nothing to do with the band, it's not our style...but I don't know what to think about it."


"And? You wish beginning a solo career?"


"Not at all, without my buddies, I'm nothing but I thought that this song could fit to someone else."


"You're a songwriter?"


"Not officially."


"Okay, I'll listen to it, but I'll be frank, I hope you're not looking for fake praises."



I cross my arms against my chest and before I notice it, he put his mouth on mine. I'm so astonished that I don't react, leaving our kiss deepen. When I finally realize what I'm doing, I step aside without real conviction. He sounds to be totally lost and...happy?



"Excuse me, Sakurai-san, I shouldn't have done this. I let myself get carried away, but I'm in love with you, since the very first day."


"I have to apologize too. I'm much flatted but...I have someone in my life."


"You have someone?" He seems sincerely disappointed.


"I'm in love with someone, right. I can't answer to your feelings."


"I won't change my mind. If one day~"


"Have a nice day, Ninomiya-kun."



I blame myself terribly to have loved this kiss so much. I blame myself because I really desired him. For a moment, I wonder if I could skip my appointment, but I can't do this to Satoshi. It's the perfect moment to talk to a psy, isn't it?



=+=



He doesn't looks like the man I expected to be. He's younger than me, thin and despite his big frame glass, looks like a dancer.


I don't know if I can sit before he asks me to.



"Excuse me, you should sit. I didn't noticed that you were limping."


"Are you always so blunt?!"


"If I handled my clients with kid gloves, my advices would surely be less pertinent."


"Certainly."


"Why are you here, Sakurai-san?"


"I didn't want to come."


"90% of my patients are reluctant to pass my threshold; it's hard to admit that you're ill."


"I guess."


"Someone asked you to come?"


"My companion, Satoshi."


"What for?"


"He thinks I need help."


"?"


"I can't bring him happiness."


"Do you have any problem to manage your emotions?"


"No, I don't. I'm a reserved man but not with him. I'm deeply in love with him."


"So what's the problem?"


"There is no problem, that's what I keep saying since I entered this office. He asked for me to come."


"So come back with him."


"I can't."


"Why?"


"He never leaves our apartment."


"Why is that?"


"I don't want him to."


"Sakurai-san? Is he locked up?"


"Of course not! I just want...him to stay by my side. That's all."


"That's what locked up someone means."


"That's not what you are thinking."


"So explain to me."


"I...I shouldn't come. Excuse me."



I suddenly stand up and I can't help but see his concerned gaze. He leaves his chair at his turn and faces me.



"You can't do this to the man you love."


"I KNOW IT! Excuse me, I know it. But I can't do differently."


"Why?"


"It's a long story."


"Tell me."


"Not today."


"So when?"



I don't answer.



"WHEN?"


"Tomorrow?"


"Tomorrow. And I will cancel my appointments, so we will have all the time we need."



I nod and go out of the office, my head hung. I don't want to come back, I know he will force me to face a reality I don't want to see. But somewhere inside me, a little voice whistles that it's high time for me to move forward.


Satoshi is waiting for me sitting on our apartment stair. He looked out for me.



"So?"


"Okaeri."


"Yeah, Tadaima, so?!"


"Why are you so worried?"


"How did it go with Matsumoto-sensei?"


"Good...and bad. I'll go back tomorrow. Let me come in, please."



He stands up and shows me the way in a well-orderly ballet.



"I talked about you. I said you weren't happy. He asked me if you were locked up."



I smile as if it was a good joke but he look at his feet.



"He's right."


"W...What?!"


"You have to let me go, Sho."


"Tsk...where will you go if you leave me?"


"I don't know. But I'll be better than stuck between the 4 walls of this flat."



His cold tone breaks my heart even more. Even if I know that it's only for my own sake.



"Don't say this, please...give me just more time, just a little bit of time. Soon, I swear."


"You will never accept it! It's been months and months. You already promised to me that you would accept to let me go. But you cling on me, you hold me back, you break my heart. Do you think I love to see you acting like that? It's time, Sho. High time."



I fall on a chair more than I sit. I can't meet his gaze because I know he's right, so right and I'm perfectly aware that my promises are fake.



"I don't have the courage. I can't live without you, my love."



He crouches in front of me and his eyes are wet by tears.



"I love you too, and I always will but we became too different. We can't be together anymore."


"I know."


"Pull yourself together and find the courage."


"I don't have any courage, without you I don't have any courage."


"You always thought I love your strength, Sho. On contrary, I always loved your weaknesses, the one you showed me. Don't hide them. Ask for help and you'll find a way to live without me."



I sleep against him, this night once again, beginning to bleed at the idea that it's perhaps the last time. But he seems to be peaceful for the very first time since months and it appeases me too. When I wake up, I meet his tender and loving gaze. I know he's saying me goodbye, that he's already happy because he will leave me.


I'm sick, I'm nauseous but I have to smile to not hurt him. I don't change our routine but don't go to the studio today. I need time for myself, to think about it thoroughly. I wander in the park on the other side of the road and I sit on a bench. I see Ninomiya laughing with his band mates and I finally remember the CD he gave to me. I open my bag, take it out and plug my earphone. I don't expect anything, he's a rocker after all and this kind of guy has hard time to write something unconventional. I hear the sound of a folk guitar then his voice "This song is called Lights."



"I had a way then losing it all on my own

I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown

And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat

And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me


You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

You shine It when I'm alone

And so I tell myself that I'll be strong

And dreaming when they're gone


'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home

Calling, calling, calling home

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

You shine It when I'm alone


Noises, I play within my head

Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing

And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept

In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe"



I thrill despite of me. I keep listening and walk to the doctor's office. It's far, but I don't care, it will help me to find the guts to tell him the truth.


At the appointed time, I knock at his door.


Like he told me, the waiting room is empty. He opens his door and in a move invites me to come in. This time, I take an armchair without waiting any invitation and he sits next to me.



"I'll listen to you."



I stare at him a few seconds then take off my coat and lean forward, my forearms on my thighs.



"May I have a glass of water, please?"



He goes to the waiting room and comes back with a bottle. I take a sip and my dry throat hurts like hell.



"Where should I begin?"


"By the beginning, I guess."


"I met him at the company where I was a trainee. He worked at the cafeteria and I was about to be hired as recording engineer. When we became a couple he told me that he spotted me the very first time I entered in the company Hall. I was very shy with him at the beginning. It's not simple to confess his love to a man. In 90% of the case, he rejects you...but him....I don't know, it's indescribable, he's like no one else. Everything is beautiful with him. Have you ever fallen in love, Sensei, madly in love?"


"I guess, yeah." He looks at the wooden frame where a kid is holding a woman's hand. Surely his own wife.


"So, perhaps will you understand me. We settled down very quickly. Less than two months, we didn't need time to know that it was exactly what we had to do. We lived many happy years like that."


"You told me he wasn't happy yesterday. Something came up?"


"I had a promotion. Producer. Satoshi still worked at the cafeteria, he loved his job. We were invited to a big launch party where all the Tokyo show business's elite were. He was not comfortable with these kind of people and he dragged his feet, I forced him to come. We had a little fight, it was pretty rare between us, but this night, I was exhilarated by this sudden attention. I was not very thoughtful with him. When I finally gave up and accepted to come back home, I accused him to be jealous of the attention I got. He kept his mouth shut, leaving me fight by myself and my anger grew up more because I knew what an asshole I was with him. I...I didn't pay attention; I didn't notice the glaze on the road. The car crashed and..."


"Your leg?"



I nod in silence, avoiding his gaze.



"And Satoshi?"


"They told me they tried to bring him back to life. During a long time. I couldn't do anything...I couldn't do anything. When I woke up he was already buried."


"Sorry."



I don't even feel the tears falling on my arms, I just see them dropping on the floor graciously. It's the very first time I talk about his death to someone. It's the very first time that I even think about it.



"I didn't say goodbye to him and when I came back home, he was there."


"At home?"


"At home."


"Your last companion?"


"Yeah."


"When did he die?"


"Two years ago, tomorrow."


"And since two years he lives with you?"


"Indeed."


"And he's sad?"


"He wants to leave our apartment."


"It sounds to be the most sensible thing to do."


"I'm not lunatic, Sensei, I know he's dead and that he lives nowhere but in my head. But...I can't do anything without him, I can't live without him."


"It's the only way you found to not fall into desperation."


"Right. I'm hopeless."


"I know you can get through this."


"How can you be so sure?"


"Because you're here, in front of me. And this man you're talking about, would have wish you a happy life. Without any doubt."


"So...help me. Please."



I don't know how many hours we spend to talk but when I go out of the office, it's pitch dark outside. We're taking a new appointment and I come back home. I take off my shoes and turn on the lights then take a shower and eat something before going to bed.




I dreamt about us this night once again. You were smiling to me, you seemed to be happy and I felt your hand on my cheek.

Really.