Koi no Yokan (6/8)
Feb. 8th, 2014 04:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wendyjolyTitle : Koi no Yokan
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Guess who~
Rating : NC-17
Lenght : Chaptered
Beta : Hug and cuddle to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chibipinkpetals
Genre : Smut, love and music
Disclaimer : I owe nothing but Arashi owns surely my soul
Summary : Koi no Yokan is one of this japanese expression with no english translation. It's the sense one can have upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love. It differs from love at first sight as it does not imply that the feeling of love exists, only the knowledge that a future love is inevitable. A kind of love premonition!
Chapter 6
“Sho? Are you awake?”
“Hm?”
I take a glimpse at my mobile and to the empty place next to me, then I listen again my interlocutor.
“It’s Toma.”
“I know who you are and the answer is no, I’m still in bed.”
“Very well, so I’ve got a good and a bad news. Drink a coffee, wake you up and call me back.”
“…Okay.”
I go to the kitchen and I dial his number.
“Go on.”
“You’re ready?”
“Yep, I'll listen to you.”
“The photo shoot with the underwear was a great success and it would be a waste if they use it to overlay the subway’s wall…a magazine bought it.”
“What?!”
“A woman magazine. You’re the centrefold.”
“Wait, wait, what is it, the good or the bad news?”
“Both. I hope you’ll like it, you will not blame me for that.”
“May I see the magazine?”
“I wait for you at the studio.”
I swallow a coffee, take a shower and after leaving a message to Kazu to tell him I’ll be away all day long, I dress up. He’s at the studio to register a composition and J. follows him like a shadow. I rush to the agency and barge into Toma’s photo shoot. He’s taking pictures of pretty girls in underwear…what a job. Masaki and Satoshi would kill to be there.
He smiles to me and shows me his desk for me to sit. I wait for him patiently, watching him while he’s working and it’s pretty interesting to see a session from the PC side. When the girls go out, he sits on the table and grabs his leather bag. He puts it on his knees and looks at me with a smile.
“Ohayo Sho-kun.”
“Ohayo, Toma-kun. So? Is it so terrible?”
He takes off the mag from his bag and reaches out. I look at the back and see my picture on the cover, the one where I’m against the wall, half-naked.
“I’m on the cover?”
“Yep.”
“And…it’s good news?”
“Better than good.”
“So the bad news?”
“Say goodbye to your days off.”
“Oh…”
I’m sincerely happy. I don’t realize again that thousands of people are going to see me naked in this magazine but if I think about it thoroughly, it’s better than to be a wallflower for a station. At least, people will have to pay to see me…
“Are you happy?”
“Yeah, I think…”
“Would you accept to come with me at New-York?”
I raise my gaze and look at him dumbfounded. New York? He’s totally smashed or what? He burst out laugh.
“I’ve got a photo shoot to do for Vanity Fair the next week. When I show your pictures to the director she said she wanted you for the next issue.”
“It’s almost too good to be true.”
“You just have to say yes.”
“How long the journey?”
“One week but I’m gonna work for myself at the same time. I’ll spend at least one week more. You’re free to stay with me.”
“I’ll speak to Kazunari.”
“You can’t miss such an opportunity, Sho.”
“He’s always first.”
“Lucky man…”
He stands up and stretches quietly. He’s smiling like always but his voice is clearly bitter.
“Toma…”
“Don’t mind, I get it. Speak to Kazunari and call me. I’ve got to give an answer tomorrow.”
“I’ll call you by the end of the day. Thanks for thinking of me.”
“I don’t know if it’s a good idea to think of you.”
I have the feeling that every little thing I will say will make things worse with him. It’s obvious he likes me, I don’t even have to ask him if he’s gay, when he looks at me I have the feeling of being naked. So many guys hit on me less subtly, guys less sexy, less nice, I guess I can’t complain. I respect him, he’s part of my life now and he’s the one who gave me a chance, somehow I feel linked to him. I leave him after a coffee and go to the garage to show to the guys the magazine. It’s better to be the first to announce them the news…if they discover this stuff in a combini they will kill me for sure. They laugh about me but I deserve it and I can’t help but to smile when the girls fight for it.
I go home to see my parents and give them a magazine too. They are glad but there’s clearly a gloomy atmosphere…I have the feeling that my father is 10 years old since he closed the shop and my mum sounds to be exhausted. I blame myself for being such an egoist son lately with them. But as always they don’t reproach me anything and I wonder if it’s not worse for me…I spend a few hours with my mum, help her to cook and she wraps two portions of a nabe for me and Kazunari.
I feel great when I go back home, it’s early and I’ve decide to refuse Toma’s proposition. I don’t want to talk about it to Kazu, he would force me to go. The visit at my parents helped me to figure out something. That’s the most important thing in my life, spending time with them, with my mates, the man I love. Not running around the world to look for an ephemeral glory.
As I put my key in the lock, I hear the sound of the piano the other side of the door. He’s home, fuck the surprise but I’m happy to spend some time with him, he’s too absent lately. I open the door as quiet as possible and I freeze in the entrance when I see Kazu not very far from me. Who’s playing piano?
I don’t like the pout on his face, it’s not like him.
“That’s the piece I played last week at Vienna. Do you remember it?”
I recognize immediately the voice of the other man who speaks loud to cover the sound of the music. I should enter frankly, say I’m here but I can’t, I’m stuck at the door, watching them idiotically, I can feel how much I’m out of place.
Kazu goes to him and my heart stop when I see him putting his hands on the other’s shoulder. As if they were in love. As if they were an old couple. Even when he’s with me, he doesn’t do this kind of things. Kimura is still playing piano but as he leans back his head on Kazunari’s shoulder, this latter brushes his hair lightly.
I don’t know what’s in my mind when I meet his gaze at this moment. He saw me and he raises a hand to stroke lovingly my lover’s cheek.
I don’t want to kill him, I don’t even want to disturb them, I simply pause. I go out in silence and I get down like an automat, punched by what I just saw. It’s my worst nightmare and it just materialized right front my eyes. There’s no doubt? They are lovers? Since when?
I sit at a table in a café in front of our building and I wait. I wait for a long time, almost 2 hours, but I don’t see the time passing by, I have the feeling to be fallen into a spatio-temporal flaw.
When I see Kimura getting out of the building, I wait again and then come in. I don’t know what I’m gonna do now, I don’t have any courage. And if I do as if nothing happened, as if I didn’t see anything? I blame myself for having been the witness of their intimacy, if I didn’t come home earlier, I didn’t see anything and I would have stayed in my happiness. Once again I open the door but this time I make some noise on purpose.
I hear his joyful voice welcoming me and I smell his cooking. This is rare, considering that he has never cooked before, not in front of me at least. I place my bag pack on the counter and look at him attentively. I wonder if it’s written on his face. His hair is wet, he just took a shower and I want to puke when I imagine why he wanted to change his odor.
“You took a shower?”
“Yes, I sweated at the studio today, it’s was like Hell.”
“Since when are you home?”
“I just came back.”
How could he lie so easily? He’s a stranger in front of me…or rather no, I finally understand that the man I love is not the one I thought. I love an honest man, loyal and faithful so who’s the one in front of me?
“How was your day? Did you work?”
I figure out that my cheeks are wet by tears. I swallow them and do my best to hide my despair.
“I went to the garage and I visited my parents.”
“How are they?”
“Don’t know.”
“You don’t know? How could you not know, did you see them or not?”
“I think they are hiding something from me.”
“In this case…I guess you just have to wait for them to tell you. Are you hungry?”
I clench my jaws and close my eyes. I image him with his lover, I see the smile on his face now. Is he smiling for him, because his body is appeased? I’ve got a stomach ache, it’s a real torture so I huddle up at his feet and I hate myself for being the man I am. I can’t act as if nothing happened and keep for myself what I saw.
“Sho? Are you hungry? I hope so because I cooked for two days at least…”
“How…how do you do –”
He stops his movement, astonished to figure out that I’m at his feet.
“Sho?”
“How can you lie so easily?”
“Lie? What about?”
“I saw you Kazunari. I came home earlier and I saw you, both of you.”
He turns off the fire and wipes his hands on the apron.
“Come in the living room, we have to talk.”
“We can talk here.”
I don’t even know if I want some explanation which will break my heart anyway.
“I love you Sho. Believe me when I say I love you.”
“But not enough for being the only man of your life.”
“It’s an old story between him and me.”
“I don’t want to know that.”
“If I could leave him I’ll do it, I swear.”
“You slept with him since the beginning?”
“Sho…”
“Since I moved in?”
“…”
“I hate you.”
“It’s your right, I understand. I hate myself too for doing this to you.”
“It’s not true. If you loved me, you never could be sleazy enough to make me believe that we were happy together, to make me believe in our story. I was such a jerk to think that a man like you could love a guy like me…in fact I was the lover and he was your man. Since the beginning…”
“I love you Sho.”
“You can say it hundred times, it’s only words, not truth.”
I stand up and close my bag where are the magazine and the bottle of sake my father gave me. It was just a few hours ago but I feel as if was centuries.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going away.”
“Don’t leave me please! Stay.”
“I can’t…imagining permanently that you’re lying to me, imagining you and him in our bed, it’s impossible. You can’t ask me that.”
“You’re the most beautiful and pure part of my life.”
“I…I thought the same thing about you. Bye Kazunari.”
I run away from the apartment, as fast as possible, trying to not hear the sob in my back. I’m in the elevator when my mobile rings. I see his name on it but I refuse to answer, to let him convince me, it would be the worst. Yet, I’m dying to run to him, I would like to hear his sweet talks and be dumb enough to believe him. I can’t go back to my parents place, nor to the garage, I don’t want to explain to anyone. I don’t want to see in their eyes that they knew it, that we were not meant to be together. I sit on a bench, in a park and drink the bottle of sake. I want to forget, and the sooner the better. When I finish the bottle, I go to the combini buying a pack of beer and I go back to the park.
My mobile rings once more and I’m ready to throw it away when I see another name on the screen.
“You promised to call me!” shouts Toma’s voice.
“Sorry…I forgot.”
“Did you speak to him?”
“Not really.”
“Sho are you drunk?”
“Not enough…”
“Where are you?”
“In a park.”
“Send me the address.”
He hangs up and I do what I’m told without thinking. Less than half-an-hour later he sits next to me on the bench and takes the beer in my hand to drink it.
“Bad day?”
“I think, yeah.”
“Are you sleeping here tonight?”
I didn’t think about it but yes I guess. He takes my bag and grabs my wrist. I follow him idiotically and get into his car. We arrive to a cozy suburb area, in front of a little house and he shows me the way.
“Take a shower, you smell alcohol. I cook a dinner, it’s gonna help you to get sober.”
I do what I’m told, I can’t think about anything by myself anyway. When I go out from the bathroom, he reaches me clothes and I put it off before going down to the kitchen.
“Sit down and eat.”
I look down the full bowl. It’s pretty appetizing but I don’t want anything but alcohol. He sits next to me and eats in silence. I imitate him and figure out that I was hungry after all. When I’m done, he cleans the bowls and makes a tea.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really?”
“I’ve a guest room if you want.”
“The couch will be perfect.”
“He’s all yours.”
He comes to me and pats my head with a smirk, then climbs the stair to go to bed.
“Toma?”
“Hm?”
“It’s okay for New-York, if the offer still stands.”
He nods and resumes his walk.
I lie down on the sofa and wait for the dawn, eyes opened wide and my head ready to explode. When he goes down in the morning, he sits down next to me, his hand resting on the backrest. He didn’t sleep neither obviously. He brushes his lips with his thumb, sighs and smiles finally.
“Coffee?”
“Yes, please.”
He puts his hand on my cheek and stand up to grab two espressos.
It’s strange because he doesn’t ask anything, isn’t he curious to know why I'm acting like this, when yesterday I was so exhilarated.
That’s why I didn’t want to sleep. I don’t want to wake up and realize that this mess was not a bad dream. I want to keep a full awareness or forget him with alcohol. But Toma is visibly not decided to let me drink quietly so I sip the coffee and pull myself together.
“Have you ever been to New-York before?”
“I've never left Tokyo. Not even my area before my high school years.”
“So, I guess we have to go to the City Hall to obtain the necessary authorizations to leave the country. It’s for work, it’s gonna be easy.”
“I’ll go at my parents place to catch the family register.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Of course I have to, if you take the subway now, you could fall asleep between two stations.”
He laughs sincerely and I like the fact he’s acting as if everything was fine. It provides me a breathing space and a comfort zone. I’m gonna think about the travel, about work, whatever, about anything except him to forget the fact I just lost my heart. I gaze meanly at my mobile when it starts ringing again and again. I don’t want to hear it, it’s too painful.
“Do you think we could find a mobile shop? I have to change my number.”
“No problem, we’ll find one.”
“Thanks.”
We walk through the city all day long, he goes back to the studio and I stick to him, or rather he sticks to me. Finally I fall asleep in a corner of the dark room. When I wake up, the sun is high and he’s near me, cuddle on a chair.
I have to find an apartment before my departure. There’s no way for me to live with my parents anymore, but I have to be lucid. I don’t work anymore at the host club and my salary as model is not steady, it’s Hell to find a complaisant owner.
I ask to the guys but when I see their gloomy look I understand.
Ohno lives above the bakery and doesn’t want to pay for something he could have for free. Masaki announces me that he moves in with his girlfriend. I guess that he decided to live with her when he saw Kazunari and I, but I don’t say a word, I clearly see how much he’s bad when I tell them that we broke up.
I give them some explanations, saying that we moved in together too quick, that we were not from the same world. I even lie about his parents calling them snob, blaming them about a fight between us. I don’t like to lie, but I don’t have the guts to tell them what I saw because I would have to live this moment once again when I just want to forget it. I can’t talk bad about him, I don’t want them to hate him. I’m perfectly aware that it means that I’m not ready to kick him out of my life. I have the feeling to keep an opened door for the future, if we could go back together.
I guess I’ll need some time to go back to how things were before I met him. I can't help it that my heart aches at the thought of erasing him from my life, I don't even think that it is possible for me to forget about him.
I have to try, at least.
Go to chapter 1/ 2 /3/4/5
Author : WendyJoly
Pairing : Guess who~
Rating : NC-17
Lenght : Chaptered
Beta : Hug and cuddle to
chibipinkpetalsGenre : Smut, love and music
Disclaimer : I owe nothing but Arashi owns surely my soul
Summary : Koi no Yokan is one of this japanese expression with no english translation. It's the sense one can have upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love. It differs from love at first sight as it does not imply that the feeling of love exists, only the knowledge that a future love is inevitable. A kind of love premonition!
Chapter 6
“Sho? Are you awake?”
“Hm?”
I take a glimpse at my mobile and to the empty place next to me, then I listen again my interlocutor.
“It’s Toma.”
“I know who you are and the answer is no, I’m still in bed.”
“Very well, so I’ve got a good and a bad news. Drink a coffee, wake you up and call me back.”
“…Okay.”
I go to the kitchen and I dial his number.
“Go on.”
“You’re ready?”
“Yep, I'll listen to you.”
“The photo shoot with the underwear was a great success and it would be a waste if they use it to overlay the subway’s wall…a magazine bought it.”
“What?!”
“A woman magazine. You’re the centrefold.”
“Wait, wait, what is it, the good or the bad news?”
“Both. I hope you’ll like it, you will not blame me for that.”
“May I see the magazine?”
“I wait for you at the studio.”
I swallow a coffee, take a shower and after leaving a message to Kazu to tell him I’ll be away all day long, I dress up. He’s at the studio to register a composition and J. follows him like a shadow. I rush to the agency and barge into Toma’s photo shoot. He’s taking pictures of pretty girls in underwear…what a job. Masaki and Satoshi would kill to be there.
He smiles to me and shows me his desk for me to sit. I wait for him patiently, watching him while he’s working and it’s pretty interesting to see a session from the PC side. When the girls go out, he sits on the table and grabs his leather bag. He puts it on his knees and looks at me with a smile.
“Ohayo Sho-kun.”
“Ohayo, Toma-kun. So? Is it so terrible?”
He takes off the mag from his bag and reaches out. I look at the back and see my picture on the cover, the one where I’m against the wall, half-naked.
“I’m on the cover?”
“Yep.”
“And…it’s good news?”
“Better than good.”
“So the bad news?”
“Say goodbye to your days off.”
“Oh…”
I’m sincerely happy. I don’t realize again that thousands of people are going to see me naked in this magazine but if I think about it thoroughly, it’s better than to be a wallflower for a station. At least, people will have to pay to see me…
“Are you happy?”
“Yeah, I think…”
“Would you accept to come with me at New-York?”
I raise my gaze and look at him dumbfounded. New York? He’s totally smashed or what? He burst out laugh.
“I’ve got a photo shoot to do for Vanity Fair the next week. When I show your pictures to the director she said she wanted you for the next issue.”
“It’s almost too good to be true.”
“You just have to say yes.”
“How long the journey?”
“One week but I’m gonna work for myself at the same time. I’ll spend at least one week more. You’re free to stay with me.”
“I’ll speak to Kazunari.”
“You can’t miss such an opportunity, Sho.”
“He’s always first.”
“Lucky man…”
He stands up and stretches quietly. He’s smiling like always but his voice is clearly bitter.
“Toma…”
“Don’t mind, I get it. Speak to Kazunari and call me. I’ve got to give an answer tomorrow.”
“I’ll call you by the end of the day. Thanks for thinking of me.”
“I don’t know if it’s a good idea to think of you.”
I have the feeling that every little thing I will say will make things worse with him. It’s obvious he likes me, I don’t even have to ask him if he’s gay, when he looks at me I have the feeling of being naked. So many guys hit on me less subtly, guys less sexy, less nice, I guess I can’t complain. I respect him, he’s part of my life now and he’s the one who gave me a chance, somehow I feel linked to him. I leave him after a coffee and go to the garage to show to the guys the magazine. It’s better to be the first to announce them the news…if they discover this stuff in a combini they will kill me for sure. They laugh about me but I deserve it and I can’t help but to smile when the girls fight for it.
I go home to see my parents and give them a magazine too. They are glad but there’s clearly a gloomy atmosphere…I have the feeling that my father is 10 years old since he closed the shop and my mum sounds to be exhausted. I blame myself for being such an egoist son lately with them. But as always they don’t reproach me anything and I wonder if it’s not worse for me…I spend a few hours with my mum, help her to cook and she wraps two portions of a nabe for me and Kazunari.
I feel great when I go back home, it’s early and I’ve decide to refuse Toma’s proposition. I don’t want to talk about it to Kazu, he would force me to go. The visit at my parents helped me to figure out something. That’s the most important thing in my life, spending time with them, with my mates, the man I love. Not running around the world to look for an ephemeral glory.
As I put my key in the lock, I hear the sound of the piano the other side of the door. He’s home, fuck the surprise but I’m happy to spend some time with him, he’s too absent lately. I open the door as quiet as possible and I freeze in the entrance when I see Kazu not very far from me. Who’s playing piano?
I don’t like the pout on his face, it’s not like him.
“That’s the piece I played last week at Vienna. Do you remember it?”
I recognize immediately the voice of the other man who speaks loud to cover the sound of the music. I should enter frankly, say I’m here but I can’t, I’m stuck at the door, watching them idiotically, I can feel how much I’m out of place.
Kazu goes to him and my heart stop when I see him putting his hands on the other’s shoulder. As if they were in love. As if they were an old couple. Even when he’s with me, he doesn’t do this kind of things. Kimura is still playing piano but as he leans back his head on Kazunari’s shoulder, this latter brushes his hair lightly.
I don’t know what’s in my mind when I meet his gaze at this moment. He saw me and he raises a hand to stroke lovingly my lover’s cheek.
I don’t want to kill him, I don’t even want to disturb them, I simply pause. I go out in silence and I get down like an automat, punched by what I just saw. It’s my worst nightmare and it just materialized right front my eyes. There’s no doubt? They are lovers? Since when?
I sit at a table in a café in front of our building and I wait. I wait for a long time, almost 2 hours, but I don’t see the time passing by, I have the feeling to be fallen into a spatio-temporal flaw.
When I see Kimura getting out of the building, I wait again and then come in. I don’t know what I’m gonna do now, I don’t have any courage. And if I do as if nothing happened, as if I didn’t see anything? I blame myself for having been the witness of their intimacy, if I didn’t come home earlier, I didn’t see anything and I would have stayed in my happiness. Once again I open the door but this time I make some noise on purpose.
I hear his joyful voice welcoming me and I smell his cooking. This is rare, considering that he has never cooked before, not in front of me at least. I place my bag pack on the counter and look at him attentively. I wonder if it’s written on his face. His hair is wet, he just took a shower and I want to puke when I imagine why he wanted to change his odor.
“You took a shower?”
“Yes, I sweated at the studio today, it’s was like Hell.”
“Since when are you home?”
“I just came back.”
How could he lie so easily? He’s a stranger in front of me…or rather no, I finally understand that the man I love is not the one I thought. I love an honest man, loyal and faithful so who’s the one in front of me?
“How was your day? Did you work?”
I figure out that my cheeks are wet by tears. I swallow them and do my best to hide my despair.
“I went to the garage and I visited my parents.”
“How are they?”
“Don’t know.”
“You don’t know? How could you not know, did you see them or not?”
“I think they are hiding something from me.”
“In this case…I guess you just have to wait for them to tell you. Are you hungry?”
I clench my jaws and close my eyes. I image him with his lover, I see the smile on his face now. Is he smiling for him, because his body is appeased? I’ve got a stomach ache, it’s a real torture so I huddle up at his feet and I hate myself for being the man I am. I can’t act as if nothing happened and keep for myself what I saw.
“Sho? Are you hungry? I hope so because I cooked for two days at least…”
“How…how do you do –”
He stops his movement, astonished to figure out that I’m at his feet.
“Sho?”
“How can you lie so easily?”
“Lie? What about?”
“I saw you Kazunari. I came home earlier and I saw you, both of you.”
He turns off the fire and wipes his hands on the apron.
“Come in the living room, we have to talk.”
“We can talk here.”
I don’t even know if I want some explanation which will break my heart anyway.
“I love you Sho. Believe me when I say I love you.”
“But not enough for being the only man of your life.”
“It’s an old story between him and me.”
“I don’t want to know that.”
“If I could leave him I’ll do it, I swear.”
“You slept with him since the beginning?”
“Sho…”
“Since I moved in?”
“…”
“I hate you.”
“It’s your right, I understand. I hate myself too for doing this to you.”
“It’s not true. If you loved me, you never could be sleazy enough to make me believe that we were happy together, to make me believe in our story. I was such a jerk to think that a man like you could love a guy like me…in fact I was the lover and he was your man. Since the beginning…”
“I love you Sho.”
“You can say it hundred times, it’s only words, not truth.”
I stand up and close my bag where are the magazine and the bottle of sake my father gave me. It was just a few hours ago but I feel as if was centuries.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going away.”
“Don’t leave me please! Stay.”
“I can’t…imagining permanently that you’re lying to me, imagining you and him in our bed, it’s impossible. You can’t ask me that.”
“You’re the most beautiful and pure part of my life.”
“I…I thought the same thing about you. Bye Kazunari.”
I run away from the apartment, as fast as possible, trying to not hear the sob in my back. I’m in the elevator when my mobile rings. I see his name on it but I refuse to answer, to let him convince me, it would be the worst. Yet, I’m dying to run to him, I would like to hear his sweet talks and be dumb enough to believe him. I can’t go back to my parents place, nor to the garage, I don’t want to explain to anyone. I don’t want to see in their eyes that they knew it, that we were not meant to be together. I sit on a bench, in a park and drink the bottle of sake. I want to forget, and the sooner the better. When I finish the bottle, I go to the combini buying a pack of beer and I go back to the park.
My mobile rings once more and I’m ready to throw it away when I see another name on the screen.
“You promised to call me!” shouts Toma’s voice.
“Sorry…I forgot.”
“Did you speak to him?”
“Not really.”
“Sho are you drunk?”
“Not enough…”
“Where are you?”
“In a park.”
“Send me the address.”
He hangs up and I do what I’m told without thinking. Less than half-an-hour later he sits next to me on the bench and takes the beer in my hand to drink it.
“Bad day?”
“I think, yeah.”
“Are you sleeping here tonight?”
I didn’t think about it but yes I guess. He takes my bag and grabs my wrist. I follow him idiotically and get into his car. We arrive to a cozy suburb area, in front of a little house and he shows me the way.
“Take a shower, you smell alcohol. I cook a dinner, it’s gonna help you to get sober.”
I do what I’m told, I can’t think about anything by myself anyway. When I go out from the bathroom, he reaches me clothes and I put it off before going down to the kitchen.
“Sit down and eat.”
I look down the full bowl. It’s pretty appetizing but I don’t want anything but alcohol. He sits next to me and eats in silence. I imitate him and figure out that I was hungry after all. When I’m done, he cleans the bowls and makes a tea.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really?”
“I’ve a guest room if you want.”
“The couch will be perfect.”
“He’s all yours.”
He comes to me and pats my head with a smirk, then climbs the stair to go to bed.
“Toma?”
“Hm?”
“It’s okay for New-York, if the offer still stands.”
He nods and resumes his walk.
I lie down on the sofa and wait for the dawn, eyes opened wide and my head ready to explode. When he goes down in the morning, he sits down next to me, his hand resting on the backrest. He didn’t sleep neither obviously. He brushes his lips with his thumb, sighs and smiles finally.
“Coffee?”
“Yes, please.”
He puts his hand on my cheek and stand up to grab two espressos.
It’s strange because he doesn’t ask anything, isn’t he curious to know why I'm acting like this, when yesterday I was so exhilarated.
That’s why I didn’t want to sleep. I don’t want to wake up and realize that this mess was not a bad dream. I want to keep a full awareness or forget him with alcohol. But Toma is visibly not decided to let me drink quietly so I sip the coffee and pull myself together.
“Have you ever been to New-York before?”
“I've never left Tokyo. Not even my area before my high school years.”
“So, I guess we have to go to the City Hall to obtain the necessary authorizations to leave the country. It’s for work, it’s gonna be easy.”
“I’ll go at my parents place to catch the family register.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Of course I have to, if you take the subway now, you could fall asleep between two stations.”
He laughs sincerely and I like the fact he’s acting as if everything was fine. It provides me a breathing space and a comfort zone. I’m gonna think about the travel, about work, whatever, about anything except him to forget the fact I just lost my heart. I gaze meanly at my mobile when it starts ringing again and again. I don’t want to hear it, it’s too painful.
“Do you think we could find a mobile shop? I have to change my number.”
“No problem, we’ll find one.”
“Thanks.”
We walk through the city all day long, he goes back to the studio and I stick to him, or rather he sticks to me. Finally I fall asleep in a corner of the dark room. When I wake up, the sun is high and he’s near me, cuddle on a chair.
I have to find an apartment before my departure. There’s no way for me to live with my parents anymore, but I have to be lucid. I don’t work anymore at the host club and my salary as model is not steady, it’s Hell to find a complaisant owner.
I ask to the guys but when I see their gloomy look I understand.
Ohno lives above the bakery and doesn’t want to pay for something he could have for free. Masaki announces me that he moves in with his girlfriend. I guess that he decided to live with her when he saw Kazunari and I, but I don’t say a word, I clearly see how much he’s bad when I tell them that we broke up.
I give them some explanations, saying that we moved in together too quick, that we were not from the same world. I even lie about his parents calling them snob, blaming them about a fight between us. I don’t like to lie, but I don’t have the guts to tell them what I saw because I would have to live this moment once again when I just want to forget it. I can’t talk bad about him, I don’t want them to hate him. I’m perfectly aware that it means that I’m not ready to kick him out of my life. I have the feeling to keep an opened door for the future, if we could go back together.
I guess I’ll need some time to go back to how things were before I met him. I can't help it that my heart aches at the thought of erasing him from my life, I don't even think that it is possible for me to forget about him.
I have to try, at least.
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